shirak!

ihavebeenonahiatusforawhilenow.
itwillcontinue.
willstillbetrawlingthroughyourblogs,howbeitatcruisingspeed.

Keep being aLiVe

I just finished reading Chimamanda Adichie's Half of a Yellow Sun that I should have read a while back.
And suddenly realised that I had no idea of my parents experience during the Biafran war.
So, I paid a visit to my parents and pointedly asked them to tell me their experiences.

Momma:
Had to drop out of Onitsha Girl's Secondary school because the school was converted to a refugee camp. She then became an associate nurse at Iyi-Enu Hospital very close to Onitsha which had relocated from it's current location to a nearby village - Oraukwu due to incessant bombardments.
She refused to tell me anything further about this part of her life.
I'm not sure why.
Except that I know she lost her big brother to this war.

Dadda:
Finished his diploma from Institute of Management and Technology - IMT Enugu and got employed by Shell in Port Harcourt.
After the war started and just as Port Harcourt was retaken by the Nigerians, Shell closed down its oil producing facilities and rendered him jobless.
He moved to Aba, where he was involved with the Biafran government's local/bush hut refineries that were converting crude oil into gasoline.
Aba was no longer safe and he had to move to Orlu where he worked with a parastatal called Research and Development. Their speciality was to remove the explosives from unexploded Nigerian bombs and use them to build local bombs. They had to cut open the bombs manually.
He told of an incident where they were cutting up one bomb in the workshop and he had to go out for a minute. The bomb exploded within that minute and killed everyone in the workshop.
Work did not stop.
Instead, they dug a pit and created an automated cutter to cut open these bombs inside the pits.
He had to go to identify his closest friend he had just left barely minutes before and he could only recognise the clothes he was wearing. There was no face.
It was blown to bits.
That could have been him.

And I, Tobenna would never have been born.
Would never have loved my J.
And would not be looking forward to my bairn (Parakeet's lingo)

The war ended shortly after and he moved to Lagos almost immediately with nothing.
Except the name and address of a fellow from his village who housed him and countless others until he found a job.

I am 33.
And I am just discovering this about my parents. My Nigerian heritage.
A line in Chimamanda's book says "May we never forget"
Chimamanda in Igbo, literally means, My God will not fall.

Nigeria is 49.
And lost over 200,000 of her people during the war.
Biafra is long dead. 39 years dead.
Along with over 1 million of her people.

Nigeria is 49.
We will learn from our mistakes.
We will learn from our diversity.
I stand tall as a proud Nigerian.
I am the Nigerian government.
The government can not change until I change.
Can you?

Happy Independence, Nigeria.

#LIGHTUPNIGERIA

when you go to church and they pray for people who are dying and need healing, people who are bereaved and need comfort, people who are broke and need a helping hand, people who are depressed and need motivating. Then they add ladies who are single and need husbands.

Is this a recent thing or has it been in churches since we were kids?
I can't remember hearing that when I was younger.
Or maybe single ladies really should be on that list?

Yes, the scan below is of my soon to come girl. All 21 weeks of it. (yes I called it it. Shoot me)
J believes it's a boy, I know it's a girl. (Why? Because I did the umm 'chooking', so I know)
We will know when the babe comes forth. Not sooner. (The argument about knowing the sex before-hand simpy to buy the proper colours - blue or pink will not be extended here)

And I'm on an extended summer break from blogging too.

I have a psychiatrist friend here in Lagos - Otefe who blogs about his experiences as a 'Dr. Kolo' in one of the most 'kolo' cities I know.
So, hop on over and show the Dr. some normal people love here.
Normal oh. He's had his fill of 'kolomentalists'

Recently, there has been a media blitz by Nokia and Garmap, both different companies on the introduction of GPS and local maps in Nigeria.
I never gave it much thought until I started seeing huge Nokia billboards advertising this and asking people to go to maps.nokia.com
So I went online and trawled through this site looking for something related to Nigeria.
I clicked on world, selected Africa and it only listed about 8 African countries with maps and a link for non-navigable countries. Nigeria was listed as non-navigable.
What the heck was Nokia talking about?
I was so pissed that I called a friend that worked with Nokia and ranted that his company were mega frauds.
We laugh over it and he tells me to go here.
And so, I do.
Apparently, only a few Nokia phones support this maps thingy. Amongst the few is the popular E71. This phone is one of the most popular phones in Nigeria. Lagos at least. So popular that its now being called "pure water" (named after cheap nylon wrapped water sold everywhere in the country for N5 - N10 /8c) And it costs N50,000 - $320!

I download the Nokia sync application and Maps setup and loader file to my laptop and sync to my phone. Encountered one issue but the website was helpful resolving this.
Voila! Its up and running.

Google Earth for me, was mind blowing when it hit pc's a few years ago.
However the maps for Nigeria was not exactly on par. It was pretty good for some parts of Lagos and Kano, I think, but most parts of Nigeria were not street mapped. And the street names were largely inaccurate. Also, huge clouds blocked out large swaths of Lagos

Nokia maps beta 3.0 is awesome.
It totally rocks!
At least, as far as Lagos is concerned.
I have been using it for about 2 days now and it works pretty well.
You do need your network's 3G or gprs network to download the voice for directions and even some of the maps apparently. However, you can get free WiFi hotspots at some locations in town.
The street maps, so far have been accurate.
The GPS positioned me automatically at my exact location. Though it kept tripping off.
The satellite view gives you pictures of the actual building. I was able to locate and see my office on Lagos Island and my parents home in Aguda, Surulere. I could even see the cars in the mechanic workshop next to my parents home!

Now I know outside the country, this is very much common place.
For us here, it is novel. Very novel.

So this morning, I tried using the directions to get to work and it did a very good job.
The route it chose for me was not exactly the best so I ignored it and made another turn and the nice "britico" female voice said "recalculating route". It went ahead to recalculate the route I was going to use. It even tracked the one-way streets and routed me accordingly. It picks up the churches, restaurants, fast food joints and even filling stations. Too cool!

Garmap, based on their website, charges N10,000 for their maps.
So far, Nokia looks free. But I think I only have a 7-day navigation license. After that, I'd see what options are available. Hopefully cheaper than Garmap.

Vera's radio blog was excellent last Tuesday.
Had the opportunity to talk and chat with GNG, DiamondHawk, Funmie, Queen Vee, Miz Cynic, Naijadude (I think) and a lot more. Bagucci made a cameo appearance but his line cut off. A lot of them stayed on after the radio show to chat on. Me, I had to go snooze. It was 12 midnight on a work day in Naija.

Kachifo

Spotted in a Nigerian newspaper - The Punch of 27th May.

All pictures taken with my camera phone, so pls. forgive the poor quality.
Nokia, take heed!

I got this cake delivered to my office on my birthday sometime in February.
First marriage birthday.
I wanted it low key or no-existent.
But no, J had something else in mind.
She surprised me with this and loads of small chops - samosa, hot buns, fried snails, suya meat, and drinks in my office.
'She don put me for high jump'
Her birthday comes up in a couple of months.
I need to start thinking.



Driving in Lagos stumbled me upon these 2 pictures:
This one was on 3rd Mainland bridge (longest bridge in Africa). At dusk.

Open van with Lord knows how many people on it.

This was an open house MI (Mr Incredible), mini show that J and I stumbled upon at the Silverbird Galleria a few weeks ago. I don't understand why ladies love this fella.
He good though he's just a short black guy. Any MI fans out there?

And the finale?
I was at the NEPA (PHCN - Power Corporation) office a few weeks ago to sort out the usual power problems and I stumbled on this bulletin stapled to their notice board.



Its not too clear off course, but I have transcribed below:

NATIONAL UNION OF ELECTRICITY WORKERS
PRAYER SESSION FOR ALL MEMBERS
In view of the recent developments in our sector, the National Secretariat based on pupular demand has considered various appeals for a prayer session to seek spiritual fortification in the battle against oppressive administration.
Consequently, Friday 27th March 2009 has been declared for prayers. In this prayer, we have to ask God for the following among others:

1. O God, destroy them that want to destroy us.
   
2. O God, trouble them that trouble us, scatter them that want to scatter us.


3. Father Lord, if you need to transfer, transfer, if you need to kill, kill, if you need to demote, demote for us to receive the wages of our labour.


4. O God, let your will be done in PHCN.

Members are therfore urged to give total compliance to this prayer session.

The Struggle Continues.

JOE AJAERO
General Secretary

Emphasis mine.
I leave my comments to myself.

I was actually thinking about it.
I was thinking, do I love my wife?
Was in church a few days ago and the preacher compared the love of man and woman to the love of Christ and the church.

He loved the church unconditionally.
He didn't say, "you are not reciprocating my love to you, so I'm not loving you anymore"
He bore the absolute humiliation and became man for my sake.
His grace (unmerited favour) is always sure.
I treat him like shit but he's always there when I need him.
He gave His life for me.

Wives have an easier task - submit to your husbands.
For husbands, love your wife as Christ loved the church.
Forever forgiving. Unquestionably. Regardless.
Even if it means paying the untimate price.

I felt my eyes water when I thought about this particular love.
Is this really the kind of love I should have towards my wife?
Is this what I feel towards her now?

For almost two weeks now, I have rarely eaten the same meal twice.
I have clean clothes to wear always and have not washed any this year.
Our home is always kept in excellent condition.
When I get back from work after her she welcomes me with a hug/kiss and helps carry my work bag into the room.
We discuss every thing from family to work and her advice is sometimes, definitely God sent.
This is just the tip of the iceberg.

And I'm still thinking....

Yes, I'm in love with my wife.
Selah

Discussions about God and human beings are unfortunately not just that.
They quickly degenerate into arguments and sometimes fights.
Sometimes, deaths occur. Other times full scale wars over who and what God is erupts.
Basically, Man's relationship with God has been a love - hate relationship.

I think one's relationship with God, or lack of, is a personal thing and should be kept as such.

In Nigeria, we have 2 distinct religions - Christianity and Islam and a fast depleting 3rd, traditionalists (Juju). Atheists exist but they are rather too few to be measured.
In most parts of the country, they have lived together in peace with a few exceptions.
Religious clashes between muslims and christians have occured almost entirely in the northern part of the country.

I was listening to a radio program recently where users call in to confess publicly to whatever issues they were dealing with and the only suggestion the radio host could give was "you should talk to your pastor".

It suddenly struck me that we do not have the same social structure the western culture has.

If your child has issues understanding things or is slow in talking or walking at an early age?
- Take him/her to your pastor. Deliverance may be in order. Forget the fact that it could be autism.

If you have difficulty in having kids?
- Go see a man of god. An ancestral/generational curse may have been placed on you. Forget the fertility clinic.

If you have marital issues with your spouse?
-Why haven't you seen the evangelist all this while? Wetin be marital counselor? What do they know?

Looking for a husband, wife, business opportunity, handout, free food?
-Go to CHURCH. The LORD will answer your prayers there. Thats the best place for social networking.

If you go through stress at work/home and begin to think everyone is against you?
-Go for 40days dry fast with prayers. Psychiatrists have no idea what they are dealing with.

As a start up business man, if you suddenly suffer a huge loss?
-Somebody from your village must be after you. Go to church and pray for your enemies to "Fall down and DIE!" Forget the fact that you made an error in judgement and should have gone to entrepreneurial school.

When you suddenly need a large amount of money for whatever?
-Sow a BIG seed/offering in church. The more you sow, the more you reap. Banks ask for too much collateral anyways and their interest rates are killing.

If you feel down and out and need inspiration?
-Where best to go to than a church mid-week or Sunday service/mass. Inspirational speakers don't know 'diddly squat'

Mental problems and even physical health issues?
-Go for deliverance. God first, doctors or shrinks next.

Combine this with the Nigerian entrepreneural tendency and you get:



Its amazing how very intertwined with God our daily lives as Nigerians are.
We see God everywhere.

Is this extreme? Or is this what it should be?

Just read up that the average woman is born with about 300,000 eggs inside her.
What?! Google it if you think I'm lying.
Are we talking about the same kinda egg that we eat regularly? Or at least something close?
Sweet LORD.
Yeah, I know I came from an egg, but 300,000 in one body?!
How in the world can men deal with that?

I always knew something was wrong with womenfolk.
They are truly from Mars! Aliens.

300,000 eggs!!!

It's official.
The losses in the Nigerian Stock Exchange are the W.O.R.S.T. at least, out of 89 markets.

It's amazing.
Other countries have rioted, implemented drastic measures, implemented bail outs, etc.
But we?
We just trudge on.
No one says anything.
Our president is a mute.
I'm not even sure we have a finance minister.
Have you heard of him/her?
And now, we are the absolute worst?
No wonder we were once rated "Happiest Country" in the world!
Kill us and we'd laugh at you.
Ha! I laugh in the face of death!

Nigeria’s stock market, Africa’s best performer during the past decade, posted the biggest declines worldwide in the first quarter as bad loans to speculators pushed bank valuations to an all-time low.
The Nigerian Stock Exchange All Share Index fell 37 percent this year, the steepest quarterly decline in more than a decade and the worst of 89 benchmark indexes tracked by Bloomberg.

Continue reading here

As for my personal stock portfolio?
Rest In Peace.

I bequeath them to my great grand kids.

I work in an open office environment with roughly 30 people of mixed nationalities and religion.

So, I'm at work and this ring tone of "You are blessed................; you are blessed.................; etc etc. Somebody shout hallelujaaah!" by pastor Chris Oyakhilome, I believe, on maximum volume, has been assaulting our senses rather regularly.

This has been going on for a few weeks now.
For some reason, the phone owner leaves the phone to ring for a while just to get the full impact of the blessing.
Wait a minute!
Its not just one of them.
There's two of 'em with this ring tone!

So, this morning, I'm at work again and have been blessed a few times already.
Next thing we hear is "Allaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahu akbar!"
For the next 10 minutes, work could not proceed further as we were reduced to laughing uncontrollably.
I'm afraid now of what we will hear next week.

In the famous words of LG "Norrin do dem"

Why is it unfashionable to say that "Homosexuality is wrong?"
And fashionable to say that "Homosexuality is only human?" "I love homo's!"

Why is discrimination based on people's sexuality equated to discrimination based on race? (or tribe, for that matter)

Why do the Western world die for 'freedom of speech/rights' then SHOUT! against the rights of majority of Nigerian's to pass a law that criminalises homosexual marriages? (note that this is different from actually having same sex outside marriage)

Why do 'queers' say they were born 'queer'.
My God.
Could it be...... that perhaps, they are right?

What the heck is 'queer' anyways?

Queer - according to Webster's dictionary
Pronunciation:
\'kwir'\
2 a: differing in some odd way from what is usual or normal b (1): eccentric , unconventional (2): mildly insane : touched c: absorbed or interested to an extreme or unreasonable degree : obsessed d (1)often disparaging : homosexual (2)sometimes offensive : gay 4b

Our (slightly crazy) Foreign Affairs Minister told the United Nations that there are no homosexuals in Nigeria.
“During our National Consultative Forum, we went out of our way to look for gay, lesbian and transgender groups but we could not come across Nigerians with such sexuality”, Madueke said. He further informed the audience that his ministry located only one woman of lesbian orientation and when invited to participate in a discussion on the rights of gay and lesbian persons, the lady informed his Ministry that she was pregnant.

Blatant lie of course.
But, do you blame him?
There was nothing he could have said that those 'oibo' people would not have used against him.
Why not say something stupid - a la Ahmadinejad (who said something similar once)?

If it is not clear yet, I am a Christian.
Oh, and I have broken all the 10 Commandments and a whole lot more.
With the exception of number 6 - murder and number 7 - adultery (adultery is fornication after marriage right?) At least not yet :P
Am I different or better than 'queers'?
I dare say, probably even worse.
Heck, homosexuality is not even listed in the 10 Commandments.

Does this justify it?
Does this make it right to be homosexual?
I think not.

So, while the Nigerian House of Assembly is deliberating this bill to criminalise gay marriages, they might as well start with criminalising the 10 Commandment + 1 infringements.
The +1 is for corruption.

By the way, the Naija Bloggers Award is still ongoing. Especially the male blogger section. *wink*wink*
Hop over and do your thing.

To all you bloggers who consistently update with posts, week in, week out, I 'pour out a l'il liquor' (no thanks to 2Pac) on your behalf.
How you guys do it, I clearly have no clue.

So, I'm a just keep pushing it the way I know how - inconsistently.
One of GNG's peeve's.

108 days of marriage now.
I shouldn't be counting, I know. I'm in this forever. But what the heck.
I am counting. Shoot me.
108 days of living with J in my parents house.
108 days of her not cooking for me. (We eat all sorta junk + my folks do a fantastic job of sending food over to the BQ when we really do need it)
108 days of different estate agents calling me from work that they've seen a 'correct' place for me.
108 days of me dashing off from work for 2hrs to go inspect silly apartments that I can't imagine living in.
108 days of fighting with J and making up, of laughing and crying, of praying and arguing, of bliss and strain. But most importantly, of love.

So, I eventually got a place last week.
J wasn't so excited at first especially as the house ranked as the ugliest on the street and the rent cost didn't help matters. But I saw it as it is to become and managed to convince her to feel the same way too. We paid for the place and the landlord has given us 1 month free to renovate it.

I've never seen J so busy.

The paint colours for the sitting room, kitchen and rooms have changed as much as 20 times in the past 3 days. I kid you not. I just smile and snuggle up to her while she virtually paints/repaints the rooms on the internet. Ok, I lie. I curl up in a corner and read my book, answering 'uh huh', 'nice' to 'What do you think of peach and lavender?', 'violet and burgundy?', 'fuschia and indigo?'

What do you expect me to say?

I only think in primary colours - red, blue, green, yellow. Throw in black and white for good measure.

LASTMA - LAgos State Traffic Management Authority caught me not breaking any law 2 weeks ago (on my birthday) in a very amateur way. Very silly of me.
I still have not returned to my old aggressive Lagos driving self. I need to wake up.

They stopped the car in front of me, then walked around to stand in front of my car on Eko bridge. One of them walks over to the passenger side and asks me to wind down. I do so, but only a small bit. While he was talking, another comes over to my side and asks me to open the door. Only God knows how, but the one on the passenger side managed to squeeze his hand through the window (I think the guy was specifically employed because he had thin hands) while I was distracted and opened the door. Sharp guys.

I just smiled and asked what I had done. Two of them, (in the car by now) went on to explain some gibberish to me which made no sense.

So, in no mood for bullshit, I told them to take me to their office where they would prove the offence. If guilty, I would pay.
They told me we could settle before we go.
I refused.
'Take me to the office. We will follow due process'

I drove off to their office but they told me to park on the street just before the office and went on to tell me I would pay a N25,000 or N50,000 naira fine in the office depending on my traffic offence and go to get a certified fit-to-drive report from a psychiatrist before I could leave with my car.

Anyway, bottom line is that I negotiated with them and paid off N5,000 eventually.
Sad, I know. Especially after my 'gra gra' and I take full responsiblity.

Tobenna is promoting corruption.
Scratch that, I am corrupt.

I should have just done this:


So, I'm looking for a miniature camera to fix in my car so I can capture such delicate negotiations in video for your viewing pleasure. Anyone know where I can get one?

On a side note, I wonder where all my friends are.
They don't call no more. We don't hang out no more. Why?
Is it because I'm married?
Ok guys. You can come out now. I'm done with my honeymoon phase.

P.S. I asked for volunteers to run the Glo marathon with last week and not one person did.
Sad to note that most people are unfit.
When last did YOU work up a sweat?

Keep fit!
I watched bits of the marathon on TV that morning. I couldn't wake up early enough.
Besides, it sounded too stressful.

As to consistency, I can't do it.
Not on this blog at least.

Today is Ash Wednesday. The beginning of the Lenten period.
I wonder why we Pentecostals don't mark this.

I always thought that this yearly half-marathon was done in November.
It looks like this years' has been scheduled for February 21st - less than 3 weeks from now.
Online registration expires 10th of Feb.

So, are there any bloggers or blog readers that would like to do this as a team?
Just for fun?
I may. If others join me.
We could all just pretend to run/walk/crawl the distance but generally sweat, make noise and have fun.

I'll try to convince my girlfriend (she likes that, since she's wifey now) to join us, I doubt if I'll succeed though.

A half-marathon is 21km.
Now I'm scared. I think I should do the 5km race on the 14th

After going through glassdoor recently, I just thought it wouldn't be a bad idea to have data like this by Nigerians and for Nigerians.

So, I'd appreciate it if you follow the link and answer the single question survey.
It is only for people working in Nigeria though.

Click Here to take survey

Yes, No; Yes, No;....yes, no;...... hmm..... NO!

Thats how difficult it is to answer this question.
People will answer yes or no, based on the way their lives have been shaped/influenced by their social interactions.
Is it possible to answer this question objectively?
I think it is rather difficult.
Kinda like - Is there a God?

This is my take.
People are born blank.
Just a clean white/black board.
We become what we eat, where we live, who we interact with in a very complex way such that it is impossible to have 2 people eating the same thing, living in the same place and interacting with the same people being exactly the same.
Though we are born blank, we are born with different gifts and weaknesses that also interact with the above.
So, combine my love for my ego with my weakness for not caring for others; and my childhood of savage beating from my dad with my love for fighting (war) games; and my good leadership skills with my religious zeal; and a history teacher I admire that taught German Nationalism almost fanatically, and you get a Hitler.

There is no logic to this. No science. It just happens.
Are there 'good' genes and 'evil' genes?
Not sure.
But, I can conclude that people become good or evil. Not born.

My thoughts.
What are yours?

As promised earlier:



1 hour only

of marriage, that is.

The last two months have been ultra busy for me for two main reasons.
I got married.
I've been transferred to Lagos from Port Harcourt.

In between these two, I don't have a car anymore(I sold it, like I said I would here); I moved all my stuff from my PH apartment to a BQ (boy's quarters - I wonder why it's so called) at my parents place in Lagos where I'm currently squatting with my wife (did I just say wife? and squat?); We are house hunting and I am mobility impaired.

I had no clue that I would be going through all this within this period and frankly, it has been very trying on my relationship with J. I'd be honest, she is the very best I could hope for. Period.
So, I have said nothing about my wedding and honestly do not intend to say much.
It went well with only minor hiccups compared to what I hear about weddings.
Didn't tell her about the honeymoon plans until 3 hrs to the flight which made her really excited.
Dubai was great just like some of you recommended.
Did almost everything. Wild Wadi, Indoor skiing, mini shopping for the wife, swimming in the lovely beaches in the blistering sun, safari (not for weak stomached) etc.
We ended up with barely $5 left in our pockets on our way back to Lagos!
That was November.

December, just before Christmas, I moved back to Lagos with all my PH bachelor pad belongings.
Which was better for J (she works in Lagos), especially as I left her in the BQ all alone in the loving embrace of my parents :P
Ok, I admit a lot of wives would refuse to do that. But she's not them. She's J.
So, we are looking for a decent 2/3 bedroom apartment on the Lagos mainland, with proximity to the island. Anyone know any available ones or contacts?

I'm a husband now.
I wear my wedding band on my right hand.

Wait a minute! 'Shwepps!' I forgot the ring at home!

Truthfully though, there are some things that I miss now that I never thought of.
a) I can't hang out with the boy's on weekends and do nothing but chase or at least ogle at beautiful women. Ok. I can still ogle, but I do that with her. Its more fun. Only one look though.
b) I can't just wake up one day and disappear or take a trip, solo. To wherever. As I please.
c) Being on my own.
d) An emotionless relationship with myself & buddies hours on end with my PS3

To further tell the truth, my life is a whole lot better.
a) I'm a lot neater (not like I was not before)
b) I have my bath every night (sigh)
c) I have great meals!
d) I have someone I can tell almost anything. A best friend.
e) I do things for people that I would never have done before
f) She has gradually taken over buying clothes for me and dresses me with style. Yep.

Notice that this list is longer than the previous.

Yeah, yeah. I know. Just 60 days.
I'll let you know if anything has changed in a year's time.
I expect it to. A sexier wife as evide

I'll put up a link to some pictures for about an hour next Monday morning.

Happy New Year everyone!



P.S. Jarrai, Naijalines and Mizchif, can you send me invites to your blogs? If there are others that have gone VIP too, just generally invite me abeg. Or do I have to beg? My email address is on my complete profile page.

okada

Can this be the most popular Nigerian picture this year?
Who took the picture?