shirak!

I just finished reading Chimamanda Adichie's Half of a Yellow Sun that I should have read a while back.
And suddenly realised that I had no idea of my parents experience during the Biafran war.
So, I paid a visit to my parents and pointedly asked them to tell me their experiences.

Momma:
Had to drop out of Onitsha Girl's Secondary school because the school was converted to a refugee camp. She then became an associate nurse at Iyi-Enu Hospital very close to Onitsha which had relocated from it's current location to a nearby village - Oraukwu due to incessant bombardments.
She refused to tell me anything further about this part of her life.
I'm not sure why.
Except that I know she lost her big brother to this war.

Dadda:
Finished his diploma from Institute of Management and Technology - IMT Enugu and got employed by Shell in Port Harcourt.
After the war started and just as Port Harcourt was retaken by the Nigerians, Shell closed down its oil producing facilities and rendered him jobless.
He moved to Aba, where he was involved with the Biafran government's local/bush hut refineries that were converting crude oil into gasoline.
Aba was no longer safe and he had to move to Orlu where he worked with a parastatal called Research and Development. Their speciality was to remove the explosives from unexploded Nigerian bombs and use them to build local bombs. They had to cut open the bombs manually.
He told of an incident where they were cutting up one bomb in the workshop and he had to go out for a minute. The bomb exploded within that minute and killed everyone in the workshop.
Work did not stop.
Instead, they dug a pit and created an automated cutter to cut open these bombs inside the pits.
He had to go to identify his closest friend he had just left barely minutes before and he could only recognise the clothes he was wearing. There was no face.
It was blown to bits.
That could have been him.

And I, Tobenna would never have been born.
Would never have loved my J.
And would not be looking forward to my bairn (Parakeet's lingo)

The war ended shortly after and he moved to Lagos almost immediately with nothing.
Except the name and address of a fellow from his village who housed him and countless others until he found a job.

I am 33.
And I am just discovering this about my parents. My Nigerian heritage.
A line in Chimamanda's book says "May we never forget"
Chimamanda in Igbo, literally means, My God will not fall.

Nigeria is 49.
And lost over 200,000 of her people during the war.
Biafra is long dead. 39 years dead.
Along with over 1 million of her people.

Nigeria is 49.
We will learn from our mistakes.
We will learn from our diversity.
I stand tall as a proud Nigerian.
I am the Nigerian government.
The government can not change until I change.
Can you?

Happy Independence, Nigeria.

#LIGHTUPNIGERIA

Recently, there has been a media blitz by Nokia and Garmap, both different companies on the introduction of GPS and local maps in Nigeria.
I never gave it much thought until I started seeing huge Nokia billboards advertising this and asking people to go to maps.nokia.com
So I went online and trawled through this site looking for something related to Nigeria.
I clicked on world, selected Africa and it only listed about 8 African countries with maps and a link for non-navigable countries. Nigeria was listed as non-navigable.
What the heck was Nokia talking about?
I was so pissed that I called a friend that worked with Nokia and ranted that his company were mega frauds.
We laugh over it and he tells me to go here.
And so, I do.
Apparently, only a few Nokia phones support this maps thingy. Amongst the few is the popular E71. This phone is one of the most popular phones in Nigeria. Lagos at least. So popular that its now being called "pure water" (named after cheap nylon wrapped water sold everywhere in the country for N5 - N10 /8c) And it costs N50,000 - $320!

I download the Nokia sync application and Maps setup and loader file to my laptop and sync to my phone. Encountered one issue but the website was helpful resolving this.
Voila! Its up and running.

Google Earth for me, was mind blowing when it hit pc's a few years ago.
However the maps for Nigeria was not exactly on par. It was pretty good for some parts of Lagos and Kano, I think, but most parts of Nigeria were not street mapped. And the street names were largely inaccurate. Also, huge clouds blocked out large swaths of Lagos

Nokia maps beta 3.0 is awesome.
It totally rocks!
At least, as far as Lagos is concerned.
I have been using it for about 2 days now and it works pretty well.
You do need your network's 3G or gprs network to download the voice for directions and even some of the maps apparently. However, you can get free WiFi hotspots at some locations in town.
The street maps, so far have been accurate.
The GPS positioned me automatically at my exact location. Though it kept tripping off.
The satellite view gives you pictures of the actual building. I was able to locate and see my office on Lagos Island and my parents home in Aguda, Surulere. I could even see the cars in the mechanic workshop next to my parents home!

Now I know outside the country, this is very much common place.
For us here, it is novel. Very novel.

So this morning, I tried using the directions to get to work and it did a very good job.
The route it chose for me was not exactly the best so I ignored it and made another turn and the nice "britico" female voice said "recalculating route". It went ahead to recalculate the route I was going to use. It even tracked the one-way streets and routed me accordingly. It picks up the churches, restaurants, fast food joints and even filling stations. Too cool!

Garmap, based on their website, charges N10,000 for their maps.
So far, Nokia looks free. But I think I only have a 7-day navigation license. After that, I'd see what options are available. Hopefully cheaper than Garmap.

Vera's radio blog was excellent last Tuesday.
Had the opportunity to talk and chat with GNG, DiamondHawk, Funmie, Queen Vee, Miz Cynic, Naijadude (I think) and a lot more. Bagucci made a cameo appearance but his line cut off. A lot of them stayed on after the radio show to chat on. Me, I had to go snooze. It was 12 midnight on a work day in Naija.

Kachifo

okada

Can this be the most popular Nigerian picture this year?
Who took the picture?

NIGERIAN nationality was for me and my generation an acquired taste like cheese or better still like ballroom dance. Not dancing per se for that came naturally, but this titillating version of slow, slow, quick, quick, slow performed in close body contact with a female in rivalry with an elusive beat....

This was the introduction Professor Chinua Achebe made in a speech last week in Lagos for The Guardian newspaper's silver jubilee. For me, his speech was interesting, challenging and enlightening.
In my mind, there are very few better writers.
The Noble prize for literature does not deserve him.

Click here for the whole speech.


What are your thoughts?

Is it just me?
I seem to get the feeling that America and Nigeria are becoming more and more similar.....

I know hurricane "Ikechukwu" struck, nevertheless, some parts of Texas was visited by "NEPA" or "PHCN" for over a week. Over 2.2 million people were affected!
A whole week without power!
How were they coping?
Did they have candles, torchlights, rechargeable lamps, inverters?
I hear generator sales was off the Richter scale during this period.

Another one.
Some parts of Atlanta are having issues with buying fuel for their cars.
Dry fuel pumps!
In yankee?!
Some people there are waiting for one hour to get their fuel tanks filled!

There are a couple of words I have seen online that stymie me.
I'm not too sure if they are Nigerian english or something else.
So, anyone care to explain them for me?
It's not like I'm getting too old that I don't know these words, am I?

A friend told me that one of the first signs of age is when MTV Base starts to become dry and CNN suddenly becomes a very interesting channel. I still try to listen to MTV and keep up with trends but I have to work at it.

Sturvs (girlie lingo apparently)
Paro (or something like that)

I was tagged (honestly, who coined this word?) a long time ago and have been hoping to avoid responding. Just because its something I have to think hard about.

No joy.

I was tagged by ablackjamesbond and Jinta....aahhh which is pretty strange as they are guys (pretty much the big cahunas up in here) and most of my readers are ladies. Strangely, non of the ladies tagged me :(
This proves one more truism I have learnt in life. Correct me if I'm wrong, but do men make better life friends than women?

My six unspectacular quirks are:

1. I belch quite often after feeding. Quietly though, I must add. I never knew this until my girl started to give me funny looks when these sounds escaped my throat. These days, I just try to make it as low key as possible. But c'mon, everyone belches right? It's a more decent and odourless way of passing gas.

2. Sneezing becomes me in the mornings. This started only about a year ago. No reason whatsoever. I just sneeze a number of times. My parents have suggested exercises in the mornings. I think that's useless. What has exercising got to do with sneezes? I weigh only 78kg, so why wake up and workout? Maybe its some irritation of sorts. May have to go to a doctor for this later.

3. This one would probably give me out right away but, what the heck.
I stutter. I've been doing this all my life that I never really notice it until someone brings it to my attention or I listen to myself talk. I do shy away from public speaking, but must say that I have done quite a few public presentations especially on the job. Someone brought it to my sharp attention a little over a year ago. I had a meeting with Gamaliel Onosode and before we even began, he noticed my stutter and we talked about this for a while before we got to business. He challenged me. No one had ever talked to me about this in the manner he did. I will call him some day soon and tell him I've stopped. Soon.

4. I used to have this abnormal attraction to human beings of the opposite sex.
Yes, its a general disease with menfolk, I know. But mine can be an epidemic sometimes.
At one point in my teenage years, I remember praying to God to take away this strong lust/love-like feelings I have for women. But I thankfully remembered that would even cause more havoc than necessary. So right now, I'm just dealing with it. Successfully, I might add. Channeling it to one person only. J.

Little does he know the purpose they serve.

5. I really do not like to plan. My motto used to be "When you fail to plan, failure comes as a complete surprise" Crappy motto actually, but it worked for me. Now, my angel, J, loves to plan waaay in advance and for me thats a completely different way of life. That means that we complement ourselves though.

6. I do everything at the same time and eventually end up doing nothing. The list of things I have attempted are legion. Thankfully, they are restricted to hobbies and sometimes work.

Thats it. That's about as decent as I can get. I went to a Nigerian boarding school (FGC) and I had a teacher who used to say "One day, a very big breeze shall blow, and the fowl's anus shall be exposed". Mine shall not be exposed here. Anonymous or not.

I tag the following lovely writers:
Kemmie, Naija Idol, Today's Ranting, Interesting Websites, Sisto, In my head & around me

The Tagging rules are:
1. Link the person who tagged you.
2. Mention the rules in your blog.
3. Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours.
4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them.
5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged.

I have done all 5.

P.S. Updated this post by adding pictures that seemed to suit the quirks.

Ok, here's the koko. (jist)

I'm a Nigerian. Born in Nigeria. Educated entirely in Nigeria. Work for a Nigerian company.
This background is necessary for my tale.
About 4 years ago, after working for roughly 3yrs, I suddenly woke up and decided to go on a vacation to Yankee (America). Not jand oh(UK or London as we call the whole country here) Yankee! I needed to see this place.
My friends tell me, ''Visa go hard with this your virgin passport oh. Try jand first, dem dey give visa pass yankee. You fit go yankee later'' (Funny, with other African countries visas on it, it was still labelled virgin as far as yankee or jand wasn't on it)
No. I wanted to go to Yankee, men :)
So, I apply, get an interview and get the visa. Easy.
Don't let me start on the embassy process. The whole thing is a Nigerian movie.

I buy the cheapest return ticket (I couldn't find someone to 'lap' me) - economy, last row, Iberia, via Madrid at the cheapest time - January end. (I asked the ticketing staff if I would get a reduced fare if I did not eat on the plane)
Time spent in Madrid waiting for a connecting flight: 13hrs.
Who cares? I dey go Yankee!

Landed in JFK. Chei! Obodo oibo. I honestly felt like kissing the tarmac as we disembarked. True oh.
(Bear in mind that all I knew about America was the thousands of hollywood movies I had seen, MTV, CNN etc, etc.)
Flew in with only a backpack, (went back with 2 mega boxes) passed through customs, no stress. Final checkpoint, Homeland Security. That name filled me with terror. ''Can I see your passport, Sir?'' I showed the bugger. ''Step this way, Sir''.(Naija passport) ''How long you here for, Sir?'' ''3 weeks'', I replied very humbly. I had heard that these guys could deport you in an instant, visa or no visa. ''This backpack all you got for 3 weeks, Sir?'' ''Yes....''(I be wan add Sir, but liver no gree me) ''Somebody picking you up?'' ''No'' I reply. My hopeless friend just sent me an email describing the way to his place in Jersey.
After strip searching my well packed bag, they let me through.
''Have a wonderful stay, Sir'' This their 'Sir' sef don dey tire me.

January end, apparently it's still winter in NY/NJ. I had no idea. Frostbite and cold nearly finished me. Naija guy like me. We (Nigerians) have this illusions of grandeur. I wonder where we get it from. Walked into a shop the next day, put on the winter clothes I needed, went to the counter and paid for them with the clothes on.

Got to Penn Station in NY from the airport, I saw a guy carelessly urinating inside the station. My word?! Maybe he's mad! Got off the PATH train in Hoboken and an elderly wowan squatted right at the entrance and was urinating!! What is going on?? Did the plane miss road? What country am I in? America? I get unto another train, and drop off at the final station. There's a huge waste dump beside it and a stench. There's a strong wind on the streets and dirt is flying all over the place. The place reminded me of .......... Mushin market!
Right now all my five senses are reeling from the assault.
I hear my name and turn to see my friend. At last, someone I know, in this jungle.
We walk to his car, he unlocks the door, there is a steering lock bar across his steering wheel. The type my old man used to use in the '80's. He unlocks this too.
We drive to his house, there is a gate with a chain and a padlock across. He unlocks it, drives through and locks it back.
In Yankee! This is looking really bad. My first day.
WTF is all this?!

One time, NEPA even took light for about 45 minutes. At night! No candle to light (like the one on my profile picture) or torch/lamp to put on. They tried sha. They only took the light only once during my 3 weeks there :)

New York has a stark semblance to Apongbon and CMS. Ok, apart from some fantastic sites (Broadway, Times Square, etc), big TV's and bright lights. It was complete with proper Nigerian-like markets (just like the ones on Broad street/Mandilas in Lagos Island) right beside the skyscrapers, beggars (''yoh, homie, can I get a dollar''), people sleeping on street corners, people hawking $1 watches and wallets on wheel barrows, mad traffic (both vehicular and pedestrian), people selling hotdogs and whatever else at street corners (in Naija, it would have been akara balls/bole/guguru & ekpa)

How come I don't see all these things on CNN or the movies?

I eventually ended up having fun. Went to fantastic places, met great and not so great people.
Spent a few days with some childhood friends in Texas.
''Tell us,'' they asked me, ''how is Naija now?''
''Oh, not bad. Same 'ole, same 'ole. Some improvements here and there, the economy is improving. Getting better, but very slowly.''
They look at me, shocked. ''We've never heard anyone say good things about Naija. All we hear is bad news''

There you go. Different folks, different strokes.

So, this is America? By my experience, yes.
Was I in the wrong place at the wrong time?
Maybe. Correct me, Americans.

Lesson learned, America is a great place. Sometimes true. Not always.

P.S.
As an aside, Hasbro is creating a new Monopoly (remember the game?) with world cities. You can vote for your cities. Deadline is 29th February. To vote for Lagos to be included, click this link: http://www.monopolyworldvote.com/en_US/world
Probably too late to make a difference. But who knows.

In the recent past, there has been a lot of press around Nigerian bloggers.
I never actually looked into one until I stumbled upon one online.
Then another, and another, and another....
Good grief!
We are everywhere. And we do it well too.
I was impressed.
Turns out some of them even have a followership too.
Very good.
At last we can share our views for the whole world to read.
Even heard there was a Naija blog party or something in Lagos.
Sigh....
Lagos.
You guys have all the fun. At least compared to other parts of the country.
I've given up on complaining about PHC.
Forgive me if you love PHC, but the town has hopelessly lost its appeal.
Funny though, PHC guys hate Lagos and would never live there.

5 years ago, young guy, transferred to PHC, big send off bash will be held, everyone asking for when they can come visit him. Telling him to take it easy on the groove/chics, etc
Fast forward to now: young guy transferred to PHC, all night prayer meeting, everyone telling him to stay indoors, avoid groove/chics

Now,
pity me.

But, since I'm still in KL, I'm not bothered.
When I get to that bridge, I'll cross it.