Friday, November 28, 2008

Cough, cough. Ahem.

Can somebody who knows somebody(apparently, thats how things work in Naija) tell the airport officials to fix the AC's, reduce the wait time for luggages and expand the arrival terminal of the Lagos International airport!

I took a few weeks off work and the internet to attend to some personal issues.
Now I'm back!

It seems a lot has been happening in my absence.
A floating hotel in Lagos.
Kid witches being burned in Akwa Ibom! Shocking!!
The Nigerian Stock market indices taking further dips in Lagos. Sigh.
New Governor in Edo.
Uzoma Okere beaten in Lagos by mad naval personnel.
Former EFCC boss, Ribadu being investigated.
GNG coming to have fun in Naija
OluwaDee going for NYSC
Princesa touring the west coast of Africa and then showing up for my wedding!
Afrobabe disappearing
Struggling to understand FFFlorida new blog - Ruffin' it
and plenty more that I need to go and catch up with

KAI!
I'm dizzy.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Pre-wedding jitters

I have avoided putting up any post that relates in anyway to my upcoming vows.
Vows of absoluteness. Totality.

The title says it all.
I have gotten ice cold feet about getting married.
No, I did not just develop this now.
It has always been simmering in the background but I've managed to push it to the furthest corner of my mind successfully until now.
A category 6 storm. Quietly brewing. Gathering steam.
Hurricane Tobenna
Now! Its jumped to a category 2!
(Or is it a category 2 to 6?)
And it's threatening to blow my head OFF!

I'm getting married in about 3 weeks time.
3 weeks!
23days and 20hours!!
My life as I know it now is about to end!

Now if you ask me what the problem is, or what exactly I'm scared of, I will not be able to give you an answer that makes sense. My excuses can only be understood by menfolk. I hope.
I have no doubts about J.
She's my best friend and the sweetest thing to happen to me.
I'm truly lucky to have her to myself for the rest of my life.

But still....
I'm freaking SCARED!

What if.
What if..
What if...
What if....

Honestly, I've run out of what if's.

WHAT IF?!
Tuesday, October 14, 2008

What Nigeria is to me...

NIGERIAN nationality was for me and my generation an acquired taste like cheese or better still like ballroom dance. Not dancing per se for that came naturally, but this titillating version of slow, slow, quick, quick, slow performed in close body contact with a female in rivalry with an elusive beat....

This was the introduction Professor Chinua Achebe made in a speech last week in Lagos for The Guardian newspaper's silver jubilee. For me, his speech was interesting, challenging and enlightening.
In my mind, there are very few better writers.
The Noble prize for literature does not deserve him.

Click here for the whole speech.


What are your thoughts?
Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Nigeria & America comparatively

Is it just me?
I seem to get the feeling that America and Nigeria are becoming more and more similar.....

I know hurricane "Ikechukwu" struck, nevertheless, some parts of Texas was visited by "NEPA" or "PHCN" for over a week. Over 2.2 million people were affected!
A whole week without power!
How were they coping?
Did they have candles, torchlights, rechargeable lamps, inverters?
I hear generator sales was off the Richter scale during this period.

Another one.
Some parts of Atlanta are having issues with buying fuel for their cars.
Dry fuel pumps!
In yankee?!
Some people there are waiting for one hour to get their fuel tanks filled!

Add to this, the current American financial crisis:
The biggest bank failure in American history - Washington Mutual amongst others
Failure of two big mortgage institutions - Fannie whatever and Freddie whatever.
The subprime issues - whatever that is.
The credit crunch, as banks are holding on to the funds they have. Nobody's giving loans to anyone at the moment.
The New York Stock Exchange losing over $1trillion in one day.
The crumbling housing market - 300,000 fore-closures in August. Up 27% against last year.

Truthfully, I'm not even sure Nigeria can beat this.
Oh well, I'm sure we can. In other ways.

I made a presentation at work this week and I started with "As George Bush once said, this will be a no question session". Only our ex-president, Baba Sege can say something like that.

Ahmadinejad was probably far from the truth when he suggested that the American empire was nearing an end, but I don't think he was too far off.

What am I driving at?
Nothing actually.
Just making observations....

As we mark our Independence Day celebrations today......
God bless Nigeria.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Commuting in Lagos

The Lenovo T61 laptop I ordered over a month ago just came in and I'm loving it.

I had to order one with low specifications so I could add the cannibalised parts of my old laptop to beef it up. No sense in condemning the laptop since it was only the motherboard that was damaged.

My T61 now has 3GB RAM with a 2.5GHz processor. Woah!



I took Monday last week off work so I could spend one day extra in Lagos for pre-wedding activities, specifically with the church we were getting married in. Spent a few hours with the church administrative staff on the requirements we had to meet et al and was done at about 4pm.

After waiting a while for a non-existent taxi cab to show up, I decided to walk to the Tafawa Balewa Square (TBS) in Onikan, aka Race Course to see if my luck would be better. Upon getting there, I saw the newly introduced Bus Rapid transit (BRT). Apparently, TBS is a major stop for these buses.

I took this taxi-cab picture later in the day.

Note the "danfo" buses in the background with the same ubiquitious yellow with black stripes colour.


On the spot, I decided to get on one of these buses and have fun.


Before I even got to the bustop, I was accosted by different people selling tickets like the lady in this picture. New job for people, I thought. This was a good start.

I found out what bus route I needed to use before I get on a bus to another state (apparently, the red buses go to straight to Oworonshoki, and the blue ones go to Mile 12 while stopping at certain bus-stops along the Ikorodu road axis)



So, the nearest bustop to my destination - Surulere, was the "Barracks" stop. Ticket cost: N50 (40 cents). I promptly paid, picked up the ticket and walked over to the bus stop.









Check out the queue!


Damn!
There were at least 200 people in front of me!
I was beginning to have second thoughts about getting on this bus. This was going to take a long time.
Crap.

Anyways, I made up my mind I was going to get on that bus whatever it took.
So, I joined the looong snaking line. Everything kinda looked organised at that moment.

See that FAN ice-cream cart on that picture to the right, up there? After waiting for about 20 minutes in the hot Lagos sun, I told the person behind me on the queue "I dey come oh" and strolled over and got me a "FAN ICE" yoghourt. Didn't taste like the one I used to love but it helped cool me down.

Got back on the line and joined in the disjointed banter and arguments of my fellow "line mates".


A molue (yes, they are becoming rarer in Lagos these days) shudders by, spewing toxic fumes into the queue. Everyone, or at least, almost everyone, grabs his/her nose to block it out.











I noticed that this sign was on each of the BRT buses.

NO Hawking
NO Preaching
NO Advertising


If you ever had any experience with "Molues", you'd remember the hilarious craziness that accompanies each ride.


Someone would stand up and start with the sentence "Praise the LORD!" and then go on to regale the captivated passengers with jokes, then try to sell something and probably end with a song of praise in which people would join in.

Back to the QUEUE.
While the line was slowly crawling forward (I'd say 1 step forward every 5 minutes), we argued about the probability that our president - "Yardy" was still alive, talked about politics in the US (Obama of course - after we saw this car parked across the road with the OBAMA sticker) and what business it was for Nigerians to be concerned about it, compared fake Chinese products to Aba-made products, cursed and insulted the useless buses and people who were trying to jump the queue. Don't forget the government and other people who were "eating" our money, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.
We tried calling the number on the back of the buses to alert them that there were few buses getting to the stop. No joy. But at least we got a recorded message asking us to leave a message.
I couldn't be bothered to.

Then, these unfortunate ladies stroll over and try to "psych" this guy behind me to get on the line in front of him. They were unprepared for the assault on them from the people around.
"C'mon will you go to the back!", "You want to jump queue abi?", "See this small children oh, you want to enter in front of me, una don chop liver oh. If I slap you eh!", "Omo we're, tin gba fo eh l'eti eh!", "Ashawo, comot for there jare!"

But these ladies were not bothered oh, they just moved on to the front and somehow wrangled their way into the line.

After one hour with little progress, we, the people began to get agitated.
We sadly noted that people were "shunting" the line in front and getting on the bus by hook or crook. Kudos to the people on the line as by and large, they maintained their cool.

As I got closer to the front, it began to look like pandemonium. People shouting, shoving, cursing and even fighting. Check these guys out.
I wonder what the issue was.
"You must pay me my money OH!" I heard one of them say. Not sure what kind of "wahala" was going on.







This guy barely got into the bus before the door closed. Unfortunately for him, his bag remained outside the bus.

Still, the line stretched on.....

Eventually, after roughly 2 and a half hours, I finally got on the bus.
The bus was clean, neat and looked sharply different from the pandemonium outside.
The guy in the green check shirt was able to jump the queue and get into the bus.

Sharply and promptly, other passengers shoved him off. He did not make the ride.

The bus moved on.
I got to my bustop and shouted "Oh wah oh!". Reminiscent of my "danfo/molue" days.
Nobody answered me. The bus was still moving on. I repeated myself a bit more desperately, "Oh wah oh!!"
Someone then replied "Press the buzzer!".
Press the buzzer "ke"?
"Wey the buzzer dey na?"
"Bros, you never enter BRT before? Pull the rope on top ya head!"

I pulled it, heard a ring and the bus came to stop, missing my stop by only about 10 feet.
Phew.
It was an interesting experience for me.
I'm not sure I'd do it again though.
What if it rained while we were on the line?
Sigh.


P.S. Thanks to NoLimit and Dee! for their awards
I really appreciate their thoughts.
Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Quiz

Ok, shoot me.
But I have to make this as difficult and fun as I can.
You want my wedding site?
Decode this:




When you do, buzz me privately and I'll give you the key.

Caveat: Do not put the answer in any comment you may leave here.

P.S. I forgot to mention this had a 1hr time delete.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008

fatwa+bride price+relationship observation

Did you hear of Mohammed Bello Abubakar. The guy from Niger state that made iternational headlines a few weeks ago?
He is married to 86 wives and has at least 170 kids.
I say this with awe and respect.
As far as I'm concerned, he's a living LEGEND.
How does he manage?
Not like I want to be like him, but, imagine sleeping with different women everyday without the need to show emotion or whatever.
I need to sit at his feet and learn.
Managing one woman, for me is as impossible as ever.

Now, guess what?
Some Nigerian moslem umbrella group - Jamatu Nasril Islam (JNI) has issued a fatwa on his head unless he repents within 3 days
In simple english, a fatwa is a death sentence.
Why would they want to do this to him?
What would happen to the scores of people he is responsible for?
What would happen to the 86 women who call him husband and the 170 kids that call him "papa"?

Now, I'm asking myself, of what business is this to me?


Igbo women are expensive to marry due to their dowry rates
a) False
b) True
c) Sometimes true but not always
d) Very very TRUE

For most Nigerians, the answer is d.
Wrong.
The real answer is c.
Let me clarify.
I'm from Anambra state.
The dowry rates here vary from N60 (50 cents) to N15,000 ($120) depending on the village.
And that's all you pay.
There is also a customary list of yam tubers, clothes, whisky etc.
That's fair enough, I think.
Its more ceremonial than necessary.
J, my fiancee or fiance (however that is pronounced/spelt) is from Abia state.
The dowry here is interesting. (That's understating it)
I will not go into details.
Suffice to say that it can break a guy's account.
Pray for me :)

Let me quickly add that no amount of money can pay or compensate for your wife to be.


Women
Why are some women quick to argue with their men over any issue?
After OluwaDee's advice "Do not argue with your husband in public"
Jinta added "may i qualify the 'best advice'? never argue with your husband. period. it sounds medieval, but you can get your point across without having to argue and men always respect, even fear, that"
Let me take the liberty to clarify this.
A relationship is not a competition for control or independence or free will or whatever.
Women can control their men very easily. Infact, too easily.
Honestly, its not something we are happy to admit to you.
The popular saying "There is a woman behind every successful man" rings too true.
If you marry the right man, he is a sucker for you.
He would do anything to please you. There is a caveat to this.
If you know how to get it out of him.
It is a very subtle method. Almost invisible to the naked eye, but it almost always works.
Confrontation never works.
If you do not know it, ask a woman who is happy and successful in her relationship.
A downright challenge in whatever way, is an affront to our oversized ego.
A throw down.
One that our sometimes senseless pride would not accept.
We would be forced to stamp our feet down and enforce our wishes.
It is our weakness and you know it.
Use it.

Thanks for your honeymoon recommendations from my last post, y'all.
However, I need specifics.
Down to the hotel to stay in, places to visit and things to do. Preferably from personal or second hand experiences.
Any suggestion outside Asia is welcome.
Monday, August 18, 2008

Hiccuping post

After going through Parakeet's post on men and makeup, I thought.....
I've had this jar of body cream, (some Vaseline product) for about 2 years and the thing just refuses to finish. Not like I don't use it (on my arms & legs only). I try to (on my arms & legs only). At least once a week or thereabout (on my arms & legs only). Or when harmattan strikes :)

The best powder in the world is 'Dusting Powder'.
Remember that white coloured Mentholated (or is it medicated) powder that mother's used to rub on their kids 'bum bum' or during heat rashes?

For soap, nothing beats my Delta medicated soap. Been using it for about 9 years now.

Hair cream?

Forget it. I have another big jar of that. Not sure when last I used it as I constantly sport a 'skin cut' hair style these days. For some strange reason, the hair on my head is not growing as fast as it should. Even a 'skin cut' doesn't hide that anymore.

Sigh.

So, what makes up my grooming kit?
My shaver, deodorant and perfume.
Finish.

Compare this level of grooming to the typical lady.

Don't even get me started.

And yet, the texture of my skin rivals and even most likely beats that of ladies.

Guys, abi I lie?

There has to be some medical explanation for this because I can't understand it.


My bachelor galivanting days are drawing to a final close.
Scratch that, long since come to a final close.
80 days more.
No more 'under-g' or 'runs'

Ok, 'under-g' ended a while ago. 'Runs' too.

Oluwadee, as busy as she is, has been of immense help in giving me some of her vendor contacts.

I'm flying down specifically for your wedding oh!

I also stole some tips from Free Flowing Spirit of Florida (phew)


So, I'm going to J's place to settle the items on the 'list' her dad gave me including the dowry payment et al this weekend.

Who says guys don't get too involved in wedding planning?

I'm as involved as ever.
Wedding rings? Check
Reception Reservation? Check
Church Reservation? Half Check
Caterer? Half Check
Video/photographer? Check
Drinks? No Check
Wedding cake? Half Check
Invite/programme printer? Check
Wedding website? Check
Arguments with J over all of the above and more? Double Check!
I have learnt my lessons. I can only gently suggest my opinion and pray that it is given consideration.

These days I fly into Lagos from Port Harcourt every two weekends.

With the typical turbulence always experienced in Port Harcourt's airspace, this is usually preceded by some serious 'binding and casting' of aerial 'blood sucking' demons :)

Don't laugh oh.
It's a serious thing.
I'm now a veteran of aeroplane turbulence.

Meanwhile, I need recommendations for romantic honeymoon destinations sometime in November.
We seriously need to let loose of pent-up emotions.
Any suggestions?
Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Now that I'm done

with that rant, I can proceed.

My laptop is officially dead as reported earlier, that explains my stunted posts.
After doing a lot of cnet and pcmag research, I have finally ordered for a Lenovo Thinkpad T61.
If this one messes up, I'm done with laptops.

Kai!
I just discovered that Port Harcourt is not as dead as I thought.
After 2 Fridays on the road up on till 4am, I can say that the town has gotten it's groove back.
Not on the Lagos scale though.
Since the town is a small one, everyone generally goes to the same bars and clubs in one night. So you get to see the same faces regularly. I wonder how many of them are kidnappers/militants?

Phew!
There are more ladies than guys at all the joints!
I hear that since the 'white' dollar spending oil chaps have all disappeared from the town, they have to condensend to dealing with local Naira spending chaps like us. Poor things.
I have gotten pick ups from two sexy looking ladies and one rather shabby looking one.
After one of them grabbed me on the crotch and told me she wanted to f*** me, while practically rubbing her boobs in my face, I had to take off!
AFRAID catch me bad bad.
I saw J's face in my head and whatever thought I had perished.
Night crawling is not for me.
Sigh.
I wonder what I was doing there.

This Friday, I'm going for an all night prayer meeting.
Seriously.

I AM NIGERIAN

I live in Nigeria.
I was born in Nigeria
I speak fluent English with a trace of an Igbo accent to prove my origin
I attended a private nursery school, a government primary school, a government secondary school and a government university.

I have worked in 3 companies in Nigeria within the past 7 years
Two of them multi-nationals
I got the three jobs after applying for newspaper advertisements
No connections involved

I earn a fair salary
I also invest locally with higher returns than almost anywhere in the world

I have been to 9 countries for different purposes, most of them work related
I have a few international qualifications and certificates and I compare favourably and sometimes even better than fellow professionals around the world.

I voted in the past 3 federal elections for anyone I liked based on my inclinations
Whether they won or not is another thing entirely

I may not be the typical Nigerian. One day soon.
But, am I ALONE?

I am a proud Nigerian.
Am I ALONE?
Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Cheating on me, cheating on you

It is a near universal truth amongst women that all men cheat at some point in their relationships.
How they come to this conclusion beats me.
Does it mean that ALL women have been victims of male cheaters?
(For clarification, I'm referring to hetero-sexual couples)
If that's the case, then, WOAH!
We, men certainly have a monopoly on infidelity.

From personal experience *cough*cough* however, I know this is not true.

Or does this mean that men are more liable to confess or more liable to be caught than women are?
And hence, women are more adroit in the fine and risky art of cheating since they are rarely caught?
I tend to drift to this conclusion.

Anyway, my questions are:
Have you ever cheated? (Note that cheating doesn't necessarily culminate in sex. Ha! Gotcha.)

If you accidentally cheat, would you let your conscience (if you have any) make you confess?
Or would you let yourself believe that its better to spare your better half the agony of the truth? (Click the subject above for consolation)


After-thought:
Remember the virgins they say Allah promised suicide bombers? Does it say if they are male or female?
Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Death of a Blogger

I'm not being morbid.

I've just been thinking....
What happens when a blogger dies?
How do we know?
Since some of us are anonymous, what happens to our blog?
Who would know that we have some sort of written history somewhere that would live after us?

I've built up nice relationships with some of you without knowing you.
And really, thats one of the best things ever. I don't want to lose it.

No blogger I know died. I've just been thinking.


"Now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known"
Friday, June 20, 2008

Misbehaving laptop

It pains me.
My laptop is acting up.
The screen does not power up.
And its freaking new!
If you are looking at buying a Dell XPS 1310, DO NOT.

I should find a way around this misbehaviour this weekend.
Friday, June 06, 2008

The Other Man

The Other Man exists
I have seen him
Infact, I have been him on more than a couple of occasions.

Was I upset?

Not really

You see, I was content being the other man
Scratch that, I was happy
Not like I didn't care
I just didn't care enough
I got what I wanted, no strings attached
No commitment, no nothing
Just sex
Isn't that the ultimate?

And now?
I swear, if I see this Other Man anywhere near me & my girl, I'd kill him
Because I recognise him

A testosterone junkie
Or as SolomonSydelle just called us, wolves.

Why do we do this?
Why do we allow our sex drive to control us and destroy lives?
Is it true that blood leaves our brain and flows to our penile section, so we lose the ability to think with our brains and instead think with our *ahem*
Why do some women want to kill us?
Are we really cold hearted?
Cruel?

The truth is that non of us are ever really sure of what we want until late.
We don't grow up
Some never even grow up
By that time, we have left a chain of broken hearts.

So, when you see any of us behaving like dogs....
Don't hate us
Pity us

Someone else can finish this.
Infact, I throw the gauntlet to Jinta aah

I owe y'all pictures of the Lagos I saw upon my return.
I'll put them up in my next post.

Peace
Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Finally, proposal

As you may or not have noticed, I have brought back my earlier posts on Marriage Proposal and Still on Proposal after taking them down because I did not want J to see them. I got so much advice from y'all and at a point I was confused.
What didn't I think about?
The movie theatre proposal moves, proposing in Dubai, even the stadium proposal moves. Not sure what would have happened if I tried it at a local football match at the Lagos National stadium. Probably would have been flogged off the stadium.

Anyways, proposals are so over-rated :P
Yeah, I know, I can say that now.
But that's because, I DONE IT!

So, last Sunday, she came in to visit me in Port Harcourt from Lagos.
I picked her up from the airport in the morning and we went to church.
Hang on....
What am I saying?
I have to start with the pre-work. Can't just start with the proposal day itself.

The day before, Saturday.
I decided that the proposal thingy was going to be a private affair.
Just the two of us.
I had to prepare a meal by myself, just for the two of us.
Staying that long in Kuala Lumpur alone had taught me how to shop for food and cook the basics.
So, I drew up a list of necessary foodstuff - tomatoes, pepper, etc.
Called a few friends and they told me to go to a market called "Slaughter".
I got the directions and drove off.
The market was true to type. A real slaughter house.
It 'stank' to high-heavens of raw meat and that's all I saw everywhere. RED RAW bloody meat.
I needed to get live chicken. (from experience, live chicken tastes better than frozen ones. I have no idea why) Eventually found them, bought two and they were killed, disembowelled, skinned and cut up into bits within 10 minutes. Trust me, this was no sight for animal rights activists. I was impressed with the speed and dexterity of the butchers. A fellow customer remarked that they kill the chicken with respect as they were living things. Just like humans.
I stifled a smile. He was going to eat them wasn't he? Carnivore.

Anyways, I succeeded in getting all the necessary food stuff, including her favourite ice cream and chocolates.
Got back home and cooked my life out.
Hmm, tasty.
Was done by like 8pm.
I knew what I had planned for tomorrow and went ahead to do the necessary writings and recordings.

Cut to the story of the ring.
I got her engagement ring specification down to the picture and size from a friend of hers and called a friend in Texas to order it and ship to me in Malaysia. This was sometime in April.
It got to Malaysia in 3 days (impressive) and spent the next one week at the Malaysian customs.
Everyday I would check the tracking number online and get the status report "Awaiting customs clearance". That was my final week in Malaysia. I was due to leave the country on a Saturday and as at Thursday it was still waiting for the freaking customs people to clear it!
Made frantic calls to no avail.
Friday evening, I checked the website and the status had changed to "Returned to sender".
Upset I was, but happy that at least there was some update on the site.
My friend, Das (who writes beautifully) and his lovely wife, F were too happy to send it again, but this time to Nigeria at their own expense. (By the way Das, your blog is overdue for an update).
I got the ring in my second week in Lagos.
Phew.

Back to Sunday morning.
Came back from church by about 1pm to my place.
Brought out my camera and started taking snap shots and videos of her. I told her I was practicing my hot-shot photographer skills and she really humoured me by giving me fantastic poses. I was really just trying to get her used to the camera before time.
I was going to prepare her lunch, I told her. "Don't come into the kitchen."
I set the pasta to a boil and put my delicious sauce in the microwave.
NEPA was not going to mess things up for me, so even though electricity was on, I asked the 'mei-guard' (gate-man) to turn on the generator.

Whipped out my camera, started filming and asked her if she saw the email I sent her last night and she replied in the negative. Told her to go online and check it.
My wireless modem, at that exact time, decided not to work.
With a smile on my face, while inwardly 'cussing' Hyperia (my internet service provider), I fiddled with the modem/router and finally got it to work.
I won't go into the exact details of the mail, but the jist of it was that, in a riddle-like format, I told her to check my wallet in my pant pocket for a note I had for her.
Now she was excited.

She grabbed my waist, dug her hands into my pocket and pulled out my wallet to find another note that contained some love words and another riddle that pointed her to another note in her own pant pocket that I had slipped in earlier. This lead her to another note that contained the love sms I sent her last year in the travelling bag she came in with.
This note pointed her to another, and the final one asked her to check under the couch cushion for a remote control - Harmony One (Guys, you need to get this remote if you don't have it already. Its fantastic and controls all my gadgets except the PS3. I mean ALL)
Next to the remote control was a note asking her to press play.

She presses play and hears my recorded voice telling her she meant the world to me and to sit down on the couch and listen to the lyrics of the song that was going to play next, Elephant Love Medley from the movie Moulin Rouge.
Halfway into the song and she begins to cry.
The song ends and another pre-recorded voice asks her for a dance to the next song, her favourite. Aerosmith's I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing.
After the song, I sit her down and pour out my heart.
Honestly, I can't remember all I said but it ended with me kneeling, bringing out the ring she had pointed out to her friend on the bluenile site a couple of months earlier and asking her if she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me.
With tears on her eyes and after a brief moment of silence....
She said yes.

I call in a friend of mine who was lurking somewhere unseen and he takes some great pictures.
She's screaming and crying and hugging.
And I'm playing the ultimate bad-ass cool guy.
My camera is still rolling, so I have it all in video too!

So, there it is.
I do not have a girlfriend anymore.
Called her 'my girlfriend' and quickly corrected myself to fiancee.
I'm learning quickly.

I have a beautiful fiancee that loves me.
I love her more.
Monday, May 19, 2008

dem tag me

There are a couple of words I have seen online that stymie me.
I'm not too sure if they are Nigerian english or something else.
So, anyone care to explain them for me?
It's not like I'm getting too old that I don't know these words, am I?

A friend told me that one of the first signs of age is when MTV Base starts to become dry and CNN suddenly becomes a very interesting channel. I still try to listen to MTV and keep up with trends but I have to work at it.

Sturvs (girlie lingo apparently)
Paro (or something like that)

I was tagged (honestly, who coined this word?) a long time ago and have been hoping to avoid responding. Just because its something I have to think hard about.

No joy.

I was tagged by ablackjamesbond and Jinta....aahhh which is pretty strange as they are guys (pretty much the big cahunas up in here) and most of my readers are ladies. Strangely, non of the ladies tagged me :(
This proves one more truism I have learnt in life. Correct me if I'm wrong, but do men make better life friends than women?

My six unspectacular quirks are:

1. I belch quite often after feeding. Quietly though, I must add. I never knew this until my girl started to give me funny looks when these sounds escaped my throat. These days, I just try to make it as low key as possible. But c'mon, everyone belches right? It's a more decent and odourless way of passing gas.

2. Sneezing becomes me in the mornings. This started only about a year ago. No reason whatsoever. I just sneeze a number of times. My parents have suggested exercises in the mornings. I think that's useless. What has exercising got to do with sneezes? I weigh only 78kg, so why wake up and workout? Maybe its some irritation of sorts. May have to go to a doctor for this later.

3. This one would probably give me out right away but, what the heck.
I stutter. I've been doing this all my life that I never really notice it until someone brings it to my attention or I listen to myself talk. I do shy away from public speaking, but must say that I have done quite a few public presentations especially on the job. Someone brought it to my sharp attention a little over a year ago. I had a meeting with Gamaliel Onosode and before we even began, he noticed my stutter and we talked about this for a while before we got to business. He challenged me. No one had ever talked to me about this in the manner he did. I will call him some day soon and tell him I've stopped. Soon.

4. I used to have this abnormal attraction to human beings of the opposite sex.
Yes, its a general disease with menfolk, I know. But mine can be an epidemic sometimes.
At one point in my teenage years, I remember praying to God to take away this strong lust/love-like feelings I have for women. But I thankfully remembered that would even cause more havoc than necessary. So right now, I'm just dealing with it. Successfully, I might add. Channeling it to one person only. J.

Little does he know the purpose they serve.

5. I really do not like to plan. My motto used to be "When you fail to plan, failure comes as a complete surprise" Crappy motto actually, but it worked for me. Now, my angel, J, loves to plan waaay in advance and for me thats a completely different way of life. That means that we complement ourselves though.

6. I do everything at the same time and eventually end up doing nothing. The list of things I have attempted are legion. Thankfully, they are restricted to hobbies and sometimes work.

Thats it. That's about as decent as I can get. I went to a Nigerian boarding school (FGC) and I had a teacher who used to say "One day, a very big breeze shall blow, and the fowl's anus shall be exposed". Mine shall not be exposed here. Anonymous or not.

I tag the following lovely writers:
Kemmie, Naija Idol, Today's Ranting, Interesting Websites, Sisto, In my head & around me

The Tagging rules are:
1. Link the person who tagged you.
2. Mention the rules in your blog.
3. Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours.
4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them.
5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged.

I have done all 5.

P.S. Updated this post by adding pictures that seemed to suit the quirks.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

10 Days

I have been in Lagos for exactly 10days now.
I'm BACK!
Yeah!
(P.S. That 'yeah!' is actually waaay overstated. It's actually meant to be a 'Sigh')

A very interesting 10 days, I must say.
My parents and my friends have been housing me all this while.
Will be off to my place in Port Harcourt before the weekend comes.

Somebody fix the AC in the arrivals hall at the Lagos International Airport!
What the heck.
I arrived wearing a jacket.
Ripped that off immediately. Along with my shirt, leaving only my inner t-shirt on.
Was really tempted to remove that too but re-considered. Observing that my bare chest may not elicit the kind of response Timbaland would receive had he bared he's.

No 'sorting' of the Customs people while exiting with my luggage.
Gave them a friendly smile and ignored all the friendly banter "Oga welcome" smile "How that side?" smile "Any better for your boys?" smile

There is no electricity in Nigeria!
Its worse than ever.
I have been here 10 days, there has been power for a total of about 6 hours!
All the electrical power available is self generated. Just have enough money for generator fuel.
NEPA or PHCN (Nigeria's power generating company) has officially shutdown. At least in my area.
I have cried, torn the hair off my head, wailed and finally settled and adjusted into the routine.
We Nigerians are fantastic at just accepting things as they are.
Heard of the food crises world over? And some of the riots?
Well, nothing like that in Naija.
You'd think that the prices of food has remained stable in Nigeria?
Think again..
A quick chat with my mum revealed that a 50kg sack of rice jumped from between N6,000 and N8,000 to between N12,000 and N15,000 in about 3 weeks. That's double!
Same thing with beans, yam and other foodstuff.
What do we do?
Riot and destroy thing like they do in some other countries? Make our voices heard?
Hell no.
We just shrug and continue.
Life continues.
Only the strong survive, only the wise excel.

On the flip side.....
Lagos remains the same crazy, rowdy, rich as well as poor, undiluted and fun loving town.
In 10 days, I have bumped into Pat Utomi (former presidential aspirant), Nduka Obaigbena (chairman, This Day papers) and Tony Elumelu (MD UBA Bank).
They defintely would not recognise me next time though.
Infact, Tony paid a compliment to my wifey to be.
If I felt on top of the world, imagine how she felt :)

There are new restaurants/bars popping up everywhere along with night clubs.
There are now two clearly distinct social scenes in Lagos.
The Mainland groove zone as well as the Island groove zone.
Both of which are mutually exclusive.

Traffic is still bad. I think it has rather improved in some places though.
There are well designed bus stops with turnstiles now on Ikorodu road People actually queue at these bus stops The buses have electronic signages indicating their routes. Damn, I'm impressed. I have to take a ride on them for the experience.

Crime?
I was really afraid of this one, I tell you. After all the stories I had been hearing.
Watching my rear view mirror all the time in the borrowed car I was using.
No incident though. Nor have I heard of anyone so far.
Infact, my friend's here have gone the extra mile in assuring me the town is safer.
I try to be home by midnight at the latest, though.

Police checkpoints?
'Everly.'
How can that not be in Nigeria?
I have been stopped 3 times.
Held once for over 30 minutes at one of the checkpoints after I dropped my wifey a couple night's ago because I had forgotten my driving license at home and refused to 'settle' the guy.
Eventually, he let me go after he saw I was willing to wait it out.
I obey traffic lights now, I don't weave in and out of traffic while blaring my horn anymore, I wear my seat belt all the time (infact, I think drivers wear their seatbelts more in Lagos than anywhere in the world now) and I'm generally a law abiding driver.

One more thing.
Lagos is actually beginning to look lovely.
At least in some parts. There are parks/gardens popping up everywhere. Roads being built.
The lagoon view on the freeway between CMS and Bonny Camp in Victoria Island has been cleared and they are planting palm trees and tiling a walkway along the lagoon with railing to hold and prevent you from falling into the lagoon. Incredible.
I will post some pictures soon of my some of my observations.

As some of you have insinuated, I had a joyful reunion with my wifey.... soupasexy, aijay, smaragd. Be offically warned!
What I do with her is none of your business :P 'ogini? wetin?'
Except you want to buy audio rights. Visual rights are defintely not available.
Oh, and we walk rather well, soupasexy.

About 2 weeks ago, before I returned, she regaled me with this tale of a dashing young man she just met who wants to marry her at all costs. He says she is perfect for him and tried to assure her that I was probably screwing all the chics in Malaysia. So, why wait for me?
But of cause she said she told him off and I believe her.
After recalling another tale that single ladies and guys usually have contingency plans in case boy/girlfriend doesnt work out, I quickly googled his name and found that he was a formidable opposition.
Bottomline, I got back and took her to meet my parents last weekend to do the necessary initial introductions.
Once again, women win. Why? Lord. Why?
Sunday, April 27, 2008

in brief

So, apparently most of my charming and sweet female readers know too much about menfolk. Infact, some of you even know more than we do about ourselves going from some of the comments on my last post. *sigh* Women never seize to amaze me.

The man has not been born that can claim to totally understand women.

But, if you know this much already, why ask for more information? Why do I suddenly feel like I'm shooting myself in the foot? Giving myself up?

I will take Jinta's advice and keep my mouth shut on this.

No more.

I am sending this post in from the Dubai airport. I have 4 hours to burn in transit.

I had 55kg above the bloody Emirates limit of 42kg. The check in guy at the KL airport looked at my luggages, shook his head and said, "Sir, you have a problem". Well said. Had to spend the next 30 minutes repacking and packing all over again. I hear that's a widely known Nigerian characteristic :) My girl called and talked me through some proper packing skills. Ended up throwing away a number of manuals and packagings.

Emirates charges 150 Ringgits or $50 per bloody kg of excess luggage! That's robbery! Scratch that. Armed robbery. Thankfully, there is a cheaper option that takes about a week to get to you. Phew.
How the heck did I accumulate close to a 100kg of stuff in 4 months? Partly due to those people who gave me a list to shop for them and my lovely large family. I have to get married and cut them off my family list. That way I know it's just me and my wife.

So, here I am, looking forward to a blissful 7hr flight to Dubai. Sleeping and catching up on the latest inflight movies (Emirates really has new movies) and I get stuck with an elderly drone of a man.
From the time I sat down the guy kept on 'yarning'. WTF. I thought business class was for comfort and peace. Not in this guy's view. I was lectured by a 70 year old man on a wide range of topics including investment opportunities in the commodity market, world economy, world politics, problems with Palestinians and Jews, the over 100 countries he's been to, his 35 year old marriage... PHEW.
By the time I finally settled down to watch a movie with the guy soundly snoring beside me, the pilot said we had 30 minutes to touchdown. Drats.

Yes oh. I'm on my way to Lagos after 4 months and there are so many things I miss and more, I think, I do not.
I am excited. And thankful. For many things. Amongst others, J.

Argh. Boarding call for my flight.....
Thursday, April 17, 2008

scattered collection + the male truths contd.....

This is the first time I'm blogging from work and I feel terribly guilty, so I'm going to make this quick.
Thanks for your comments on My Women
Really don't know what brought that up, it was just the way I felt. And still feel.

Why is there a plethora of blogs originating from women?

I'm probably looking in the wrong place, but are women the only ones that blog on emotions, feelings, love?

Isn't there some masculine nigerian blogger somewhere that writes on female conquests, gadgets, electronics, sports? Male centered activities? Where? Where?
I'm beginning to feel emasculated (Currently watching Grey's Anatomy, that explains the word) Sorry. Did I say Grey's Anatomy? Na, I don't watch that. 24 is for me(getting tired of it though) . Oh, and Boston Legal. I love Denny Crane.

Think I'm beginning to yarn 'opats'?

I never start.
Facebook is not all bad...
A friend updated her profile early last week to say she was Malaysia.
Promptly sent her an FB nessage and she responded. She's around with another friend for about a week @ the Ritz Carlton in Bukit Bintang. Downtown Kuala Lumpur.
I was delighted oh. People I knew from Naija. Hallelujah! I went straight to the hotel from work on Tuesday and we hung out till like 1 am eating all sorts of Malaysian delicasies. I was proper feeling like some local already.

So, I hear fuel is scarce in Naija again.

I spoke to a friend in Lagos last week and he told me his driver had been out hunting fuel for 27hrs before he finally got a gallon!

WTF is going on there?!
No fuel in the car, so can't go out. Stay at home. No electricity. No fuel to run generator.
What to do?
I can't even think of that.
Ok, it's not that bad. At least we should get power for like 8hrs a day, right?

I hear they have regular power cuts in South Africa now.

Another friend that works with a multinational in Ibadan told me their South African colleagues flew in to Nigeria to understudy how they run the Nigerian business with generators.
Nigeria is now the standard of measure for power inefficiency.
Nuff said.

I've made up my mind.
I'm selling my car as soon as I get back to Naija and getting another bike.
The car is just sitting in Port Harcourt(PH) rusting... Anybody want a 2006 Corolla?
I live in PH, a big village. (My apologies to PH people) But for some reason, the town irks me.
I should be able to zip around when I need to move. Except when my wifey comes visiting. What the heck, she'll ride with me. Now, I just need to convince her.

male truths continued....

Secret 2:

We're unnerved by the notion of commitment, even after we've made one to you.
This is a dicey one, so first things first:
We love you to death.
We think you're fantastic.
The best thing to happen to us.
Most of the time we're absolutely thrilled that we've made a lifelong vow of fidelity to you in front of our families and friends at a bloody expensive wedding. (Enjoy yours OluwaDee)

But most of us didn't spend our formative years thinking, "Meehn, I just can't wait to settle down with a nice girl so we can grow old together."

Instead we are/were obsessed with how many women who resembled Eva Mendez we could have sex with before we turned 30.
Generally it takes us a few years (or decades) to fully perish that thought.
Infact, I still secretly habour mine. What the heck, I'm not married yet, am I?

Secret 3

Earning money makes us feel important.
I hear it is becoming more common for a girlfriend/wife to earn more than her bobo. Sometimes, even almost double. Infact, I think I stumbled on a Naija blog recently where the writer and her bobo decided that she would earn the cash, while he takes care of the kids (house husband). Ask Naija Chickito
This of course is a terrific development for all women in the workplace and all men warmly embrace it, right?
Right?
Yeah, well, that's what we tell you. But we're shallow, competitive egomaniacs.
You don't think it gets under our skin if our woman's bringing home more 'ego' than we are?
Someone I know told me earlier that he checks his wife's payslip regularly to see how much more he makes than her. He's recently been noticing that she's been closing the gap on him as she works harder (of course) and he's beginning to panic...
Solution: ''honey, don't you think you should take some time off work? Like a couple of years? Our kids don't really know who you are anymore''
Like he really cares..

Secret 4

We don't really understand what you're talking about.
You know how, during the day, you sometimes think about certain deep, complex "issues" in your relationship? Then when you get home, you want to "discuss" these issues? And during these "discussions," your man sits there nodding and saying things like "Sure, I understand," "That makes perfect sense" and "I'll do better next time"?

Well, we don't understand. It doesn't make any sense to us at all. And although we'd like to do better next time, we could only do so if, in fact, we had an idea of what you're talking about.

We do care. Just be aware that the part of our brain that processes this stuff is where we store the latest Arsenal/Chelsea/ManUtd./Enyimba/Shooting Stars football statistics. It does get pretty cluttered.

Or when we've had 2 or 3 or 4 dates with you, maybe even made out once/twice/thrice, we are just chilling, having a good time, and you ask strange/heavy questions. From nowhere.
Just out of the blue. No warnings or premonition.
''So, what are we doing?" Huh? "I mean, where is this going?"
Alarm bells start RINGING in our heads.
We understand this one.
Pleading Sydelle's fifth won't work here.
It means, Expressly clarify your objectives with me, NOW.
Another sample question:
What would you do if Eva Mendez (shit, she knows) wants to sleep with you?
Em, em....

P.S. I stumbled upon Afrobabe's post on Naija men yesterday
Darn, I felt good.

I'm still at work! Oh shit!!
Goodbye
Thursday, April 10, 2008

Men Secrets (Maybe part I)

I was in JS3 and 14yrs when I learned a vital lesson about love. My babe/crush at the time, Feyisade, was stunningly cute and frighteningly smart. And me? Let's just say I was an adolescent Will Smith (remember HITCH?) or better still, Steve Urkel (Family Matters) to her budding Gabrielle Union.

I was well aware of my good fortune.
You know the drill, when I was with her, my chest was out, tummy in. Yellow cheque uniform, prim and proper. White stockings and brown sandals to match. Boarding house style.
See me, Tobenna, hanging out with 'fine babe'.
Na yam?
Then one day in school, while chatting with her after an inter-school debate, some cutie from FGGC Benin walks by, wearing a tight red cheque and 'above-the-knee' uniform strutting her near non-existent backside (common ladies, I'm sure you remember this move) but well endowed breasts. Boy, was I distracted. Suddenly Feyi turned to me. "Were you looking at her?" she asked. "Do you think she's pretty?"
My mind 'wan scatter die'.

Of course I was looking at her!
Of course she was pretty! I paused for a second, then decided to play it straight in my stupid youthful honesty.
"Well, yeah," I smiled sheepishly.
MISTAKE!
Three days later our lovey-dovey game was over.

*BREAK*
At this point, my mind has wondered to the first time my arm brushed against a girl's breasts in my JS2. Damn, it felt good. I brushed it again ;accidentally', and got a slap I deserved. I deviate.
Back to the jist.
*BREAK*

There comes a time in every man's life when he discovers the value of hiding the 'base' parts of his nature. He starts reciting the sweet nothings you long to hear:

"No, baby, I rather hang with you than the boys"

"No, baby, really, you can take my car out."

"No, baby, I wasn't looking at that babe wearing a wet t-shirt"

We're not lying, exactly. We're just making things...well, easier.
These white lies are pretty innocent, but they can turn confusing.

Many women think, If he's lying about himself, is he also lying about something else?
Is he having an affair?
And so, in the interest of clearing the air, I'm willing to share some of the private truths we wouldn't normally confess to.

I will not confess to them outside this blog.

Some are a bit silly. Some you've always suspected. Some are surprisingly sweet. (Guys don't like to reveal the mushy stuff) But read on, and you may discover that the truth about men isn't all that ugly.

Secret 1:

Yes, we fall in lust 10 times a day, but it doesn't mean we want to leave you.

When you ask "Were you looking at her?"

The stupid answer is "No oh, I was just admiring God's work"

The truthful answer is "Yes, we were."

If you're sure your man doesn't look, it only means he can see clearly from the corner of his eye.
When a woman walks by, even if I'm with my girl, my vision picks it up.
I fight the urge to look, but I just have to. I'm really in trouble if the woman walking by has her cleavage or more sticking out.
Granted, we men are well aware that our 'sizing up' the babe doesn't sit well with you.
But really, our passing glances pose no threat.
It's not that I want to make a move on her
Looking at other women is kinda like a radar that just won't turn off.

I read a related article to this online and it was just too true .
So, I have taken the pleasure to cannibalise/distort/plagiarise/customise it as I see fit.
It was not originally written by me.
Nevertheless, let me have your thoughts....
If you want me to continue, I will add the other secrets or, shall we call them truths....
Post by post.
Tuesday, April 08, 2008

My women

Some write a prose
Some give a rose
All give something
Time, money, attention, whatever
What for? You may ask?
Womenfolk

There are 2 important women in my life
My mother, my lover
Whatever happens to my sisters?
Left to the men who would call them his woman.
Hoping he treats them like I treat mine

I try to love all women equally
But I love my women especially
Sometimes I confuse my women
Maybe even wish I could substitute them when the need arises
Truth is, my mother can never take the position of my lover
But my lover can take the position of my mother

She is my best friend, my confidante, my business partner
And most importantly, my lover
This, amongst all others, make her my best woman


Sunday, March 30, 2008

KL International Marathon et al

Jumping Jehoshaphat!
(Honestly, I don't know where that came from)

I just finished the marathon, and I live to tell the tale as the evidence on the left shows.

21.9km completed in 3hrs 3 minutes.
For me, that was a major accomplishment.
For others, well, lets just say ''That's their own business''.
Not sure what my position is/was. I really don't care. I finished it in qualifying time of under 3hrs 30mins. And for me, that means I'm a star :P

Back to reality.
My legs are aching me.
Infact, aching is probably an understatement. They are killing me.
Right now, they are just moving in isolation of my body. No co-ordination whatsoever.
I say 'move' and by default, they move.
What have I done to ameli...., ameliroa......, (WHATEVER!) the issue?
I have picked up the yellow pages and phone to ask for a home masseuse.
Hmm, I wonder how that will go.
So, right now, I am patiently waiting for the person to come.
Relief is in sight.
It had better not be a man!!
And to think that I have work tomorrow?!
I may have to ask for the day off.

Em, not sure if I mentioned it before, but my stay in KL has been extended for another month.
Let's leave it at that.
Don't bother trying to understand the implications for me romantically.

Aah, ring goes the bell.
I think its the masseuse or 'massager'.
Anyone.

Gotta run.
Friday, March 28, 2008

2 Videos

that caught my attention today....

LAGIMO


I don't even know what the chorus means, but Rooftop MC's R.O.C.K



FITNA


Let's see how long fitna will last before it's taken offline.
Don't even know if its factual.
I'll reserve my comments on this for now.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008

She knows....

It's a little past 8am.
I just woke up to a phone call from my angel...
I'm late for work and my bones are aching.
This is due to my 12km jog last night.
Na wah for this marathon.

Bottom line of our conversation is that I now have my best friend and girlfriend on my blog.
She found me.
She knows my pseudonym.
Put that together with blog on google and you get a direct link here.
Sigh.
I was not upset. After all, I casually mentioned it to her before I realised my mistake a few weeks ago. Didn't seem like she remembered.
I just feel like, well, a child that has been caught out.
So, I have had to take down the some of my most commented on posts.
(Y'all know what I'm talking about!)
DAMAGE CONTROL.
They will come back up, eventually. I hope.

Now she knows.
She says she won't come back here, but I want her to. Just not like this.
The phone call didn't finish well.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008

One more week. Barely....

One more week in KL.
And I'm back to Naija. YES!
I really miss the country 'gaan'

Coming here, I was offered a cash option or the company taking care of all my expenses.
'Nna bros' that I am did not even think 'abourit'.
Cash option pls.
Two return trips to Naija, all expenses paid?
'Fogerit'. Cash option pls.
I'm staying in a condo here that is costing me an arm every month and I can see my cash option flying through the window. I wonder what type of accommodation that will get me in Lagos....

Damn! I keep on forgetting. I don't stay in Lagos anymore.

Port Harcourt is my new home.

Sigh.

The half marathon comes up next Sunday. 21kms.
A few days ago, I was thinking of backing off. I'm not prepared enough.

Until I met a dutch guy who is running also. No experience whatsoever. Just like me. We have decided to just have fun that day and generally enjoy the atmosphere.

And I'm about to go on to some interesting gist....... but something just came up!
Sunday, March 16, 2008

Still on proposal

I still haven't decided on how to propose to my girl.
I'm still thinking, thinking and thinking.
I have some of her ring specs. now, a friend of hers got it for me. Size: O and 7. Whatever that is.
Colour: Silver. Still waiting to get the design she loves from my source.

I sent a mail to a friend who got married in November last year and asked him how much the wedding cost them.
He replied ''almost N3m''.
Rough conversion to dollars is $25,000.
At this point, I'm trying really hard to not scream an expletive.
$25,000!
WTF!@?!
I am definitely not ready to get married.

To top this, someone sent me this link:
(If your internet link is not fast, you can select to open the page using a lower bandwidth. Oh, and enable sound on your pc. The song is one of my favorite)

http://www.photosbyknight.com/gray/

All this for a proposal.
Was this an overdo or what?

Allow me to scream in my dialect......
CHINEEEKE!
My girl must not see this.
ABEG.

All my plans (or lack of) are now in disarray.

Wahala @ work

I know, I know.....
I have not dropped a post in 2 whole WEEKS!

There has been a MAJOR crisis at work that has left me practically living in the office.
Just got home now after spending 36hrs straight in the office.
I am DRAINED.

Just let me recover, and I'll be back crawling over all your blogs.

P.S. I missed y'all.
Friday, February 29, 2008

It's a Man's World. Really?

That's what they say. Isn't it?
Wake up, men!
That's a lie started by womenfolk to make us believe we are on top.
And we stupidly buy the crap.
Male ego, male chauvinists, blah blah blah...
Crap.

Want to know the truth?
Women have been pretending to be the weaker sex for centuries.
Just take a look around you.
They are very comfortable working behind the scenes.
Whether it's a sister, mother, wife, girlfriend, whatever.
Every man is answerable or can be manipulated by one woman.
Better it's only one woman. God help you if it's more than one.

Am I upset?
Nah. I just realised this fact after a score and dozen years in this world.
Realised and accepted it, actually.
Now, I can go ahead and plan to marry.

When it comes to sex, men tend to feel like the 'big kahuna.'
Over drinks, we boast to our friends about our 'legendary' sexcapades,
'Mehn, I chop that babe, easy.' Sharp guy.
Ever stop to think that the babe 'chopped' you? Or that she used you?
No way! We can't even think about that.
Infact, I shudder at the thought.
I met a girl once in Lagos, got attracted to her, and we had a freaking fabulous one night stand. Same day. A testament to my 'womanising' skills. Or so I thought. The next day, over breakfast, she calmly told me that we would not see again. No problem.
Saw her a few days later at Silverbird Cinema, wanted to renew acquaintances, and she almost literally said 'Do I know you?'
Damn! I felt used.
Scratch that. I was used.

My testosterone level is soaring up.
I need to find a righteous way to burn it out, so I've registered for the Kuala Lumpur International Marathon taking place March end with some of my colleagues at work. I have to jog 6km 3 times a week now. Hope to increase to 12km soon.
Funny thing is, because I'm black, they expect me to win the freaking marathon.
I tell them to take a chill pill oh. I'm Naija. We don't do marathons, talk less of win.
I have my own personal reasons for doing this. Faithfulness.

Hey, it's working.
There is a reduction already!
Thursday, February 21, 2008

So this is America?

Ok, here's the koko. (jist)

I'm a Nigerian. Born in Nigeria. Educated entirely in Nigeria. Work for a Nigerian company.
This background is necessary for my tale.
About 4 years ago, after working for roughly 3yrs, I suddenly woke up and decided to go on a vacation to Yankee (America). Not jand oh(UK or London as we call the whole country here) Yankee! I needed to see this place.
My friends tell me, ''Visa go hard with this your virgin passport oh. Try jand first, dem dey give visa pass yankee. You fit go yankee later'' (Funny, with other African countries visas on it, it was still labelled virgin as far as yankee or jand wasn't on it)
No. I wanted to go to Yankee, men :)
So, I apply, get an interview and get the visa. Easy.
Don't let me start on the embassy process. The whole thing is a Nigerian movie.

I buy the cheapest return ticket (I couldn't find someone to 'lap' me) - economy, last row, Iberia, via Madrid at the cheapest time - January end. (I asked the ticketing staff if I would get a reduced fare if I did not eat on the plane)
Time spent in Madrid waiting for a connecting flight: 13hrs.
Who cares? I dey go Yankee!

Landed in JFK. Chei! Obodo oibo. I honestly felt like kissing the tarmac as we disembarked. True oh.
(Bear in mind that all I knew about America was the thousands of hollywood movies I had seen, MTV, CNN etc, etc.)
Flew in with only a backpack, (went back with 2 mega boxes) passed through customs, no stress. Final checkpoint, Homeland Security. That name filled me with terror. ''Can I see your passport, Sir?'' I showed the bugger. ''Step this way, Sir''.(Naija passport) ''How long you here for, Sir?'' ''3 weeks'', I replied very humbly. I had heard that these guys could deport you in an instant, visa or no visa. ''This backpack all you got for 3 weeks, Sir?'' ''Yes....''(I be wan add Sir, but liver no gree me) ''Somebody picking you up?'' ''No'' I reply. My hopeless friend just sent me an email describing the way to his place in Jersey.
After strip searching my well packed bag, they let me through.
''Have a wonderful stay, Sir'' This their 'Sir' sef don dey tire me.

January end, apparently it's still winter in NY/NJ. I had no idea. Frostbite and cold nearly finished me. Naija guy like me. We (Nigerians) have this illusions of grandeur. I wonder where we get it from. Walked into a shop the next day, put on the winter clothes I needed, went to the counter and paid for them with the clothes on.

Got to Penn Station in NY from the airport, I saw a guy carelessly urinating inside the station. My word?! Maybe he's mad! Got off the PATH train in Hoboken and an elderly wowan squatted right at the entrance and was urinating!! What is going on?? Did the plane miss road? What country am I in? America? I get unto another train, and drop off at the final station. There's a huge waste dump beside it and a stench. There's a strong wind on the streets and dirt is flying all over the place. The place reminded me of .......... Mushin market!
Right now all my five senses are reeling from the assault.
I hear my name and turn to see my friend. At last, someone I know, in this jungle.
We walk to his car, he unlocks the door, there is a steering lock bar across his steering wheel. The type my old man used to use in the '80's. He unlocks this too.
We drive to his house, there is a gate with a chain and a padlock across. He unlocks it, drives through and locks it back.
In Yankee! This is looking really bad. My first day.
WTF is all this?!

One time, NEPA even took light for about 45 minutes. At night! No candle to light (like the one on my profile picture) or torch/lamp to put on. They tried sha. They only took the light only once during my 3 weeks there :)

New York has a stark semblance to Apongbon and CMS. Ok, apart from some fantastic sites (Broadway, Times Square, etc), big TV's and bright lights. It was complete with proper Nigerian-like markets (just like the ones on Broad street/Mandilas in Lagos Island) right beside the skyscrapers, beggars (''yoh, homie, can I get a dollar''), people sleeping on street corners, people hawking $1 watches and wallets on wheel barrows, mad traffic (both vehicular and pedestrian), people selling hotdogs and whatever else at street corners (in Naija, it would have been akara balls/bole/guguru & ekpa)

How come I don't see all these things on CNN or the movies?

I eventually ended up having fun. Went to fantastic places, met great and not so great people.
Spent a few days with some childhood friends in Texas.
''Tell us,'' they asked me, ''how is Naija now?''
''Oh, not bad. Same 'ole, same 'ole. Some improvements here and there, the economy is improving. Getting better, but very slowly.''
They look at me, shocked. ''We've never heard anyone say good things about Naija. All we hear is bad news''

There you go. Different folks, different strokes.

So, this is America? By my experience, yes.
Was I in the wrong place at the wrong time?
Maybe. Correct me, Americans.

Lesson learned, America is a great place. Sometimes true. Not always.

P.S.
As an aside, Hasbro is creating a new Monopoly (remember the game?) with world cities. You can vote for your cities. Deadline is 29th February. To vote for Lagos to be included, click this link: http://www.monopolyworldvote.com/en_US/world
Probably too late to make a difference. But who knows.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Situation In Nigeria, Pretty Complex


This, cracked me up, big time!
Tell me, those of you in America, does the country really think like this?
Saturday, February 16, 2008

Marriage Proposal

I'm back in Naija sometime in April.
I want to ask my best friend in the whole wide world if she would like to spend the rest of her life with me as soon as I return.
But, I'm getting the jitters and I don't know where to start from.
I need HELP!

I have a gut feeling that she'd say yes. (Don't ask how I know) I just know.
Thats not the problem.

Left to me, I'd just get her to come over to my place and ask her to marry me.
I really wish I could do just that. (wishful thinking)

These are my problems.

I'm nervous, I'm nervous, I'm nervous.

How can I propose romantically in the city of Lagos?
I know the story would live with her for a lifetime and all her friends would get to hear about it, so, it has to be worthwhile. For her. For me? Zit.

I do not know what type of ring she likes nor her ring size.
How would I?!
I hear one can get good diamonds in South Africa. Not sure about that.
A friend of mine pointed me to a website http://www.bluenile.com/ for rings. Nice site.
An excerpt from their 'How Much Should I Spend' section, ''This is an emotional event, and a purchase that will last a lifetime. The two-months salary convention is a common starting point, but we believe that regardless of the amount you budget, your most important considerations should be quality and value."
Are they kidding me??!! Two months salary?! Starting point!!!
Maybe I should just take her to watch Blood Diamonds again and fill her ipod with Kanye's ''Diamonds are forevever.....good morning, this ain't Vietnam still, people lose hands, legs, arms for real.........''
Maybe, just maybe, she'd be put off diamonds :P

Anyways, I have about two months to think about the answers to this.
Something will come up. I hope.
Otherwise, I'd just do it the good old traditional way.... ask my parents to ask her parents for her hand in marriage!

Interprete as you like


I personally think this is a beautiful picture.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008

First Night Out in KL

I decided about 2 weeks ago that I needed to find out what night life in Kuala Lumpur was like. I'm not a club person, but what the heck, I might as well check it out.

Here I was, a total stranger in this town. No friends, no nothing. Apart from my colleagues at work. That meant I had no idea of what the town at night was like.

At about 8pm the following Saturday, I go online. Googled 'nightlife+kuala lumpur' and got tons of results. Hmm, good start.

After about 2 hours of sifting through websites, I settle on the 2 most popular choices - Beach Club and Hard Rock Cafe (that name sounds familiar). These were supposed to be the two ''happengiest :)'' joints in night time KL. Also found out that their clubs close by 3am. Very strange.

Anyways, I add the two addresses to my phone, look at the clock - 10pm and decide its time to hit the mean streets of KL.

I wave a cab, tell him Beach club, expecting to reel out the address of the place to the guy, but he says ''Ok, come in'' Hmm, seems the place is popular. ''Use the meter, la'' I tell him.

The place is impossible to miss. Bright neon lights on the streets, music blasting, people everywhere, I'm there. Apparently, its a street of joints.

Nice place though. Half the joint is indoors, half is outdoors. They have two sharks in a big aquarium inside. I stroll in and I'm stopped by a bouncer? He directs me to a sexy looking babe who points me to a displayed price list. Before I enter, I must pay for a drink at thrice the normal price - RM45. (I always do a mental conversion to $ & N just for comparative analysis) I pay up, get ink stamped on my palm, grab my drink and enter. Live band playing, when I say live band, I do not mean a Naija live band oh. A proper band playing rock songs that sound a lot like the originals.

The place is filled up. All sorts. guys, babes, chinco's, indians, whites, black? Wait oh, no blacks. I'm the only black person up in here! Funnily, thats the first time I realise that I have seen very few black people here since I arrived. (That's a topic for another post) I suspect the place is an expatriate hangout though.

I find a free seat and begin bumping my head to rock music! Hoping no Naija person catches me here. (Imagine going to a club and dancing to ROCK music in Naija) They also have a huge screen currently showing an english premiership game which some apparent brits were watching.

No shortage of babes here oh.

Permit me to digress and describe Malaysia and its women.
The country has 3 main groups/tribes/whatever - Malays 60%, Chinese 30% and Indians 10%, using rough estimates.

Chinese babes are the grooviest, but physically, not much - tiny ''nkiru'' and non existent ''azuka''! They love to wear short things.

Indian babes are boottyful and really hot. They dress sexy too.

Malay babes are cool too, but they are all moslems. They are not allowed to go to clubs. Typical dressing comprises of a head scarf (compulsory), blouse/t-shirt and a pair of pants (jeans).

I hit the dance floor and the chics are everywhere solo. Infact, all over. Some climb the tables dancing. A few smile at me, one approaches me for a dance, I oblige. Imagine dancing to rock. Any body part movement is accepted. As far as you are moving it aggressively

I begin to get suspicious. Are they prostitutes? I come out for fresh air and sure enough, there were a few of them soliciting by the road. WTF! Did I come to the wrong place or what?

I stop a cab and tell him to take me home. On our way, he asks me ''My frien. You want woman la?'' I say ''What?'', refusing to believe what I just heard. ''I say, you want fine fine woman? I give you real woman. Not man who look woman la.'' Shaking my head, I mutter to myself, ''this town is crazy''. I've just been offered a woman for the night at in the same sentence been told that some women here are really men!

I'm curious now. ''I no unnerstan. What you mean?'' I ask. ''I take you to real woman. You choose. Difren type. This one here, men la. Preten to be woman. They do surgery to change.'' ''But they look like women!'' I exclaim. Jesus! I've been dancing with men!

''Take me home, pls!'' ''LA!''

Since then, I look at ALL women here suspiciously. Are they really women? Are those bobbies real? What do they really have down there?

But, I had fun. Told one of my colleagues at work the next week that I was at the Beach Club and he goes ''Why! It's a prostitute place and most of them are Pinoy. (Philipinos - Another formidable force in the KL night scene) People just go there for pickups''.

''Whatever.'' I say.

That got me thinking, I suddenly realise why almost all the expats that come to work/visit Lagos ask to be taken to 'ynot'. That place is the most popular joint in Lagos for expats. But non of the locals go there. I've never been there. Don't ask me why. But I think it has to do with the number of ''ashis'' there. http://www.ynotclub.com/

Lesson learned. Don't rely on google for everything. Sometimes, it pays to ask around.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Thumbs Up

I have laughed at all sorts of silly stuff here in Malaysia.
The latest?
The thumbs up sign.

In Malaysia, they point with their thumbs and not fore finger as we are wont to do in Naija.
So, ask for directions or whatever and they give you a thumbs side or up or down - whichever the direction they are referring you to is.

I once asked a scarved receptionist where I could find an office and she gave me a two thumbs up sign with a huge smile. I thought, she must think I'm black american and is trying to say hi the american way.
So, I smile, give her the peace sign and say ''Thanks. But where is XYZ company?'' assuming she understands me. She mutters some strange words in Bahasa Malay and gives me the thumbs up sign again!
Sigh, this is going to be difficult.
Slowly, I say ''T.h.a.n.k y.o.u. W.h.e.r.e i.s t.h.e X.Y.Z c.o.m.p.a.n.y p.l.e.a.s.e?''
The same response!
An aggressive thumbs up, a smile and more strange sounding words.
But wait, this time I pick out the words ''steps'' and ''up''.
It suddenly hits me that the thumbs up sign means top floor.

I burst out laughing. She joins me in laughing too.
''Terima kasih'' I manage to say, climb the stairs and find the office.

Update on Apple+iphone

Looks like the version 1.1.2 (bootloader 4.6) of the iphone has finally been cracked!
This is very good news as my iphone has been acting as an ipod only for the past couple of months!
Still at work unfortunately.
As soon as I get home, I'm gonna try the hack.

Yesterday was my birthday.
I'm freaking 32 yrs OLD!
Good GOD!
''Have you seen my childhood.....''
My girlfriend called me first at 12.01am. It was good to hear from her.
My family in Nigeria called later in the day.
Cool.
Some people remembered.

I spent the better part of last Friday at the Malaysian Imigressen office in Putrajaya trying to get my work permit. They eventually tell me that my company has to come pick it up themselves.
After 4hrs of waiting!
WTF!
I was pissed, but had to put on a smile and ask why I was kept waiting for that long?
A young smily chap wearing a uniform like a naval officer but blue in colour with his hair slicked back like an Italian mafiosi walks up. Apparently the most versed in English language, he says:
''So sorry, permit approved by director. Not work on this floor la. We go to big boss office to collect it. Big boss say company come collect permit. No you. Understand la?''

With another smile, I nod my head.

Nice and polite people here for government/civil employees.
Saturday, February 09, 2008

Fuel+Boom+Lagos

Took this picture on my phone in Lagos, some time in October 2007. I was frightened!
Ikorodu road at the Alaka Estate point.
Tanker capsized while descending the bridge spilling tonnes of diesel.
People scrambling for the liquid.
Is it poverty?
Ignorance?
Or plain stupidity?

Anyway, about a month after this, annother tanker this time carrying petrol fell over at close to this same point. People died.

You'd think lessons would be learnt?
Nope.
Another month later, scores of people died from scooping fuel from a burst pipeline in the same Lagos.
Conclusion,
We have a problem.
Serious problem.
Monday, February 04, 2008

Ha Ha!

Terima kasih.
At last, I have my work permit.
After one month!
Now I can come and go as I please, Malaysia.
Watch out Singapore, Thailand, Indonesia & maybe India!
HERE I COME!

On another note.....
I have not seen my girl in 37 days....
56 days to go.
Do I call her everyday?
Hell no!
Does she complain?
Hell yes!
Has my love faded?
What?!
No way! We have the rest of our lives to live together.
Does she understand this?
Now she does :)
I love J
Monday, January 28, 2008

sex, hormones & remembering

What is it called in menfolk?
testosterone?

I remember hating girls while I was a kid and would not be caught dead sitting beside a girl.

I remember my dad picking me up from primary school and asking if a girl I was with was a friend. NO WAY! I retorted. Denying my class mate for no sensible reason.

I remember being a kid and wondering what the heck men were doing looking at a woman's behind as she walked by when there are more interesting things to look at on her chest.

I remember being a teenager and just beginning to notice that girls are ALL (tall, short, ugly, whatever) attractive, primarily because of the assets they develop as they grow up.

I also remember being a teenage christian and asking God to remove this strange addiction I was developing of looking at women as they walked past. It was a SIN, I wanted to make heaven.

I remember me mum taking me to a church and the pastor laying hands on me and praying the hell outta my soul. ''Young man'', he says. ''Women will be your problem. You have to be very careful'' (emphasis, my own)

I remember getting into university and wondering what the heck I was doing wasting my life when my friends were getting laid in secondary school. I was on a roll.

I remember thinking to myself one day, ''what vice do I have?'' I didn't drink, smoke or womanise. I made up my mind to start on all three.

I remember the many times I prayed to God for forgiveness and still went back the very next month, or was it week? or day??!

I remember meeting my girlfriend, (soon to be fiance this April) and knowing immediately that my wandering days were over, thanking God for bringing me the loveliest girl I had ever met.

Why do I remember these things?
Probably because Christians are not supposed to live such lives?
Or I'm just going through a reminiscing bout?
I really don't know.

I just remember.
29/01/08
P.S. I sent a txt to my woman: ''Hello Sweetie, I remember you'' In a very fond & loving way. She replies ''Ehen, its just remember you remember me abi?'' I was like: ''You won't understand baby. I'm just in the remembering mood''
What did I say wrong?
I love this girl!
Sunday, January 20, 2008

Apple & iphone

Grrr!
Talk about me being impatient and not doing proper investigations first!

Sometime in december '07, I ordered for an iphone from the US.
Yeah, I know its sim locked and all that but I figured it could be cracked.

Anyways, it arrived and I was excited of course.
Went online to look for the best way to crack it.
After hours of browsing, I found out that the curren version of the iphone - v.1.1.2 has not been cracked?@!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh.

Pissed off, but what the heck, make the best of it.

Eventually succeeded in unlocking it to use the ipod functionalities, so, I can listen to music, use the camera, calendar, etc.
BUT no phone functions.
Hopefully soon, some whiz kid will post the unlock code online.
I'm really praying for this otherwise $400 would have gone down the drain.

Anybody want an iphone, almost new?
Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Direction to Venus, anyone?

I'm still trying to figure out women. Is it just me?
Do I have a problem?
Why do the wrong words keep coming out of my mouth?
Why haven't I learnt to just 'shut up' and listen?
Why haven't I learned that there is a huge difference with relating to other people and relating with my girl?
Why haven't I learned that being objective is the last thing to be with your woman?
After roughly 15 yrs in the women business?!
I would have thought I was a veteran by now.
But yet, I still make stupid mistakes.
Which man (or woman, for that matter) knows the fastest route to Venus.
Thats where they say women are from, right?

''Sweetheart?'' My angel says.
''Huh'' I answer (typical, isn't that?)
''Are you listening?'' She says.
''Most definitely'' I answer.
''Had a bad day at work today. I was accused of collecting my per diem twice by a disrespectful chap. He went on to say nasty things about me and Nigerians and that he had reported the case to my boss.'' She was calling me from South Africa.
''Uh huh?'' I answered, at the same time trying to conquer the marauding germans in a war game I was playing on a pc.

Thankfully she didn't notice my distraction.
At this point, you can roll your eyes in exasperation. Yes, I know.

''Thank God I was calm, so I explained to him that it wasn't possible, but the guy was irate. Anyway he showed me where I had supposedly signed for the money and it wasn't my signature. Someone forged my signature! I became very upset with him and gave him a piece of mind. I wasnt even in SA on that date!'' She went on.
''How much was this?'' I asked?
''$50'' she answers.

I sigh. In my mind, of course. I'm not that stupid.

''Later, he finds out that it wasnt me and apologises but says he still can't find who did it. I told him that he hasn't heard the last of this. Anyway, my company is sending someone from Naija to come in to SA to investigate,'' she continues.

At this point, I come alive. My first question?
''Wait, wait, wait. Your company is actually sending someone on a plane from Nigeria to South Africa to investigate a $50 fraud?'' I ask.
That was where the gentle admonishing started.

I have to end the conversation here.
We ended up resolving it like two people in love usually do.
FIGHTING!
Looking back, I know I should have roundly condemned the hopeless man who had the nerve to slander my woman. I should have asked for his number to threaten the lives of his wife and children.
I should have let him know that NO ONE talks to my woman that way.

If anyone, I repeat, anyone, messes with my 'nwanyi oma', he/she will have to answer to me.

Selah
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