shirak!

The Lenovo T61 laptop I ordered over a month ago just came in and I'm loving it.

I had to order one with low specifications so I could add the cannibalised parts of my old laptop to beef it up. No sense in condemning the laptop since it was only the motherboard that was damaged.

My T61 now has 3GB RAM with a 2.5GHz processor. Woah!



I took Monday last week off work so I could spend one day extra in Lagos for pre-wedding activities, specifically with the church we were getting married in. Spent a few hours with the church administrative staff on the requirements we had to meet et al and was done at about 4pm.

After waiting a while for a non-existent taxi cab to show up, I decided to walk to the Tafawa Balewa Square (TBS) in Onikan, aka Race Course to see if my luck would be better. Upon getting there, I saw the newly introduced Bus Rapid transit (BRT). Apparently, TBS is a major stop for these buses.

I took this taxi-cab picture later in the day.

Note the "danfo" buses in the background with the same ubiquitious yellow with black stripes colour.


On the spot, I decided to get on one of these buses and have fun.


Before I even got to the bustop, I was accosted by different people selling tickets like the lady in this picture. New job for people, I thought. This was a good start.

I found out what bus route I needed to use before I get on a bus to another state (apparently, the red buses go to straight to Oworonshoki, and the blue ones go to Mile 12 while stopping at certain bus-stops along the Ikorodu road axis)



So, the nearest bustop to my destination - Surulere, was the "Barracks" stop. Ticket cost: N50 (40 cents). I promptly paid, picked up the ticket and walked over to the bus stop.









Check out the queue!


Damn!
There were at least 200 people in front of me!
I was beginning to have second thoughts about getting on this bus. This was going to take a long time.
Crap.

Anyways, I made up my mind I was going to get on that bus whatever it took.
So, I joined the looong snaking line. Everything kinda looked organised at that moment.

See that FAN ice-cream cart on that picture to the right, up there? After waiting for about 20 minutes in the hot Lagos sun, I told the person behind me on the queue "I dey come oh" and strolled over and got me a "FAN ICE" yoghourt. Didn't taste like the one I used to love but it helped cool me down.

Got back on the line and joined in the disjointed banter and arguments of my fellow "line mates".


A molue (yes, they are becoming rarer in Lagos these days) shudders by, spewing toxic fumes into the queue. Everyone, or at least, almost everyone, grabs his/her nose to block it out.











I noticed that this sign was on each of the BRT buses.

NO Hawking
NO Preaching
NO Advertising


If you ever had any experience with "Molues", you'd remember the hilarious craziness that accompanies each ride.


Someone would stand up and start with the sentence "Praise the LORD!" and then go on to regale the captivated passengers with jokes, then try to sell something and probably end with a song of praise in which people would join in.

Back to the QUEUE.

Ok, shoot me.
But I have to make this as difficult and fun as I can.
You want my wedding site?
Decode this:




When you do, buzz me privately and I'll give you the key.

Caveat: Do not put the answer in any comment you may leave here.

P.S. I forgot to mention this had a 1hr time delete.

Did you hear of Mohammed Bello Abubakar. The guy from Niger state that made iternational headlines a few weeks ago?
He is married to 86 wives and has at least 170 kids.
I say this with awe and respect.
As far as I'm concerned, he's a living LEGEND.
How does he manage?
Not like I want to be like him, but, imagine sleeping with different women everyday without the need to show emotion or whatever.
I need to sit at his feet and learn.
Managing one woman, for me is as impossible as ever.

Now, guess what?
Some Nigerian moslem umbrella group - Jamatu Nasril Islam (JNI) has issued a fatwa on his head unless he repents within 3 days
In simple english, a fatwa is a death sentence.
Why would they want to do this to him?
What would happen to the scores of people he is responsible for?
What would happen to the 86 women who call him husband and the 170 kids that call him "papa"?

Now, I'm asking myself, of what business is this to me?


Igbo women are expensive to marry due to their dowry rates
a) False
b) True
c) Sometimes true but not always
d) Very very TRUE

For most Nigerians, the answer is d.
Wrong.
The real answer is c.
Let me clarify.
I'm from Anambra state.
The dowry rates here vary from N60 (50 cents) to N15,000 ($120) depending on the village.
And that's all you pay.
There is also a customary list of yam tubers, clothes, whisky etc.
That's fair enough, I think.
Its more ceremonial than necessary.
J, my fiancee or fiance (however that is pronounced/spelt) is from Abia state.
The dowry here is interesting. (That's understating it)
I will not go into details.
Suffice to say that it can break a guy's account.
Pray for me :)

Let me quickly add that no amount of money can pay or compensate for your wife to be.


Women
Why are some women quick to argue with their men over any issue?
After OluwaDee's advice "Do not argue with your husband in public"
Jinta added "may i qualify the 'best advice'? never argue with your husband. period. it sounds medieval, but you can get your point across without having to argue and men always respect, even fear, that"
Let me take the liberty to clarify this.
A relationship is not a competition for control or independence or free will or whatever.
Women can control their men very easily. Infact, too easily.
Honestly, its not something we are happy to admit to you.
The popular saying "There is a woman behind every successful man" rings too true.
If you marry the right man, he is a sucker for you.
He would do anything to please you. There is a caveat to this.
If you know how to get it out of him.
It is a very subtle method. Almost invisible to the naked eye, but it almost always works.
Confrontation never works.
If you do not know it, ask a woman who is happy and successful in her relationship.
A downright challenge in whatever way, is an affront to our oversized ego.
A throw down.
One that our sometimes senseless pride would not accept.
We would be forced to stamp our feet down and enforce our wishes.
It is our weakness and you know it.
Use it.

Thanks for your honeymoon recommendations from my last post, y'all.
However, I need specifics.
Down to the hotel to stay in, places to visit and things to do. Preferably from personal or second hand experiences.
Any suggestion outside Asia is welcome.

After going through Parakeet's post on men and makeup, I thought.....
I've had this jar of body cream, (some Vaseline product) for about 2 years and the thing just refuses to finish. Not like I don't use it (on my arms & legs only). I try to (on my arms & legs only). At least once a week or thereabout (on my arms & legs only). Or when harmattan strikes :)

The best powder in the world is 'Dusting Powder'.
Remember that white coloured Mentholated (or is it medicated) powder that mother's used to rub on their kids 'bum bum' or during heat rashes?

For soap, nothing beats my Delta medicated soap. Been using it for about 9 years now.

Hair cream?

Forget it. I have another big jar of that. Not sure when last I used it as I constantly sport a 'skin cut' hair style these days. For some strange reason, the hair on my head is not growing as fast as it should. Even a 'skin cut' doesn't hide that anymore.

Sigh.

So, what makes up my grooming kit?
My shaver, deodorant and perfume.
Finish.

Compare this level of grooming to the typical lady.

Don't even get me started.

And yet, the texture of my skin rivals and even most likely beats that of ladies.

Guys, abi I lie?

There has to be some medical explanation for this because I can't understand it.


My bachelor galivanting days are drawing to a final close.
Scratch that, long since come to a final close.
80 days more.
No more 'under-g' or 'runs'

Ok, 'under-g' ended a while ago. 'Runs' too.

Oluwadee, as busy as she is, has been of immense help in giving me some of her vendor contacts.

I'm flying down specifically for your wedding oh!

I also stole some tips from Free Flowing Spirit of Florida (phew)

So, I'm going to J's place to settle the items on the 'list' her dad gave me including the dowry payment et al this weekend.

Who says guys don't get too involved in wedding planning?

I'm as involved as ever.
Wedding rings? Check
Reception Reservation? Check
Church Reservation? Half Check
Caterer? Half Check
Video/photographer? Check
Drinks? No Check
Wedding cake? Half Check
Invite/programme printer? Check
Wedding website? Check
Arguments with J over all of the above and more? Double Check!
I have learnt my lessons. I can only gently suggest my opinion and pray that it is given consideration.

These days I fly into Lagos from Port Harcourt every two weekends.

With the typical turbulence always experienced in Port Harcourt's airspace, this is usually preceded by some serious 'binding and casting' of aerial 'blood sucking' demons :)

Don't laugh oh.
It's a serious thing.
I'm now a veteran of aeroplane turbulence.

Meanwhile, I need recommendations for romantic honeymoon destinations sometime in November.
We seriously need to let loose of pent-up emotions.
Any suggestions?

with that rant, I can proceed.

My laptop is officially dead as reported earlier, that explains my stunted posts.
After doing a lot of cnet and pcmag research, I have finally ordered for a Lenovo Thinkpad T61.
If this one messes up, I'm done with laptops.

Kai!
I just discovered that Port Harcourt is not as dead as I thought.
After 2 Fridays on the road up on till 4am, I can say that the town has gotten it's groove back.
Not on the Lagos scale though.
Since the town is a small one, everyone generally goes to the same bars and clubs in one night. So you get to see the same faces regularly. I wonder how many of them are kidnappers/militants?

Phew!
There are more ladies than guys at all the joints!
I hear that since the 'white' dollar spending oil chaps have all disappeared from the town, they have to condensend to dealing with local Naira spending chaps like us. Poor things.
I have gotten pick ups from two sexy looking ladies and one rather shabby looking one.
After one of them grabbed me on the crotch and told me she wanted to f*** me, while practically rubbing her boobs in my face, I had to take off!
AFRAID catch me bad bad.
I saw J's face in my head and whatever thought I had perished.
Night crawling is not for me.
Sigh.
I wonder what I was doing there.

This Friday, I'm going for an all night prayer meeting.
Seriously.

I live in Nigeria.
I was born in Nigeria
I speak fluent English with a trace of an Igbo accent to prove my origin
I attended a private nursery school, a government primary school, a government secondary school and a government university.

I have worked in 3 companies in Nigeria within the past 7 years
Two of them multi-nationals
I got the three jobs after applying for newspaper advertisements
No connections involved

I earn a fair salary
I also invest locally with higher returns than almost anywhere in the world

I have been to 9 countries for different purposes, most of them work related
I have a few international qualifications and certificates and I compare favourably and sometimes even better than fellow professionals around the world.

I voted in the past 3 federal elections for anyone I liked based on my inclinations
Whether they won or not is another thing entirely

I may not be the typical Nigerian. One day soon.
But, am I ALONE?

I am a proud Nigerian.
Am I ALONE?

It is a near universal truth amongst women that all men cheat at some point in their relationships.
How they come to this conclusion beats me.
Does it mean that ALL women have been victims of male cheaters?
(For clarification, I'm referring to hetero-sexual couples)
If that's the case, then, WOAH!
We, men certainly have a monopoly on infidelity.

From personal experience *cough*cough* however, I know this is not true.

Or does this mean that men are more liable to confess or more liable to be caught than women are?
And hence, women are more adroit in the fine and risky art of cheating since they are rarely caught?
I tend to drift to this conclusion.

Anyway, my questions are:
Have you ever cheated? (Note that cheating doesn't necessarily culminate in sex. Ha! Gotcha.)

If you accidentally cheat, would you let your conscience (if you have any) make you confess?
Or would you let yourself believe that its better to spare your better half the agony of the truth? (Click the subject above for consolation)


After-thought:
Remember the virgins they say Allah promised suicide bombers? Does it say if they are male or female?

I'm not being morbid.

I've just been thinking....
What happens when a blogger dies?
How do we know?
Since some of us are anonymous, what happens to our blog?
Who would know that we have some sort of written history somewhere that would live after us?

I've built up nice relationships with some of you without knowing you.
And really, thats one of the best things ever. I don't want to lose it.

No blogger I know died. I've just been thinking.


"Now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known"

It pains me.
My laptop is acting up.
The screen does not power up.
And its freaking new!
If you are looking at buying a Dell XPS 1310, DO NOT.

I should find a way around this misbehaviour this weekend.

The Other Man exists
I have seen him
Infact, I have been him on more than a couple of occasions.

Was I upset?

Not really

You see, I was content being the other man
Scratch that, I was happy
Not like I didn't care
I just didn't care enough
I got what I wanted, no strings attached
No commitment, no nothing
Just sex
Isn't that the ultimate?

And now?
I swear, if I see this Other Man anywhere near me & my girl, I'd kill him
Because I recognise him

A testosterone junkie
Or as SolomonSydelle just called us, wolves.

Why do we do this?
Why do we allow our sex drive to control us and destroy lives?
Is it true that blood leaves our brain and flows to our penile section, so we lose the ability to think with our brains and instead think with our *ahem*
Why do some women want to kill us?
Are we really cold hearted?
Cruel?

The truth is that non of us are ever really sure of what we want until late.
We don't grow up
Some never even grow up
By that time, we have left a chain of broken hearts.

So, when you see any of us behaving like dogs....
Don't hate us
Pity us

Someone else can finish this.
Infact, I throw the gauntlet to Jinta aah

I owe y'all pictures of the Lagos I saw upon my return.
I'll put them up in my next post.

Peace

As you may or not have noticed, I have brought back my earlier posts on Marriage Proposal and Still on Proposal after taking them down because I did not want J to see them. I got so much advice from y'all and at a point I was confused.
What didn't I think about?
The movie theatre proposal moves, proposing in Dubai, even the stadium proposal moves. Not sure what would have happened if I tried it at a local football match at the Lagos National stadium. Probably would have been flogged off the stadium.

Anyways, proposals are so over-rated :P
Yeah, I know, I can say that now.
But that's because, I DONE IT!

So, last Sunday, she came in to visit me in Port Harcourt from Lagos.
I picked her up from the airport in the morning and we went to church.
Hang on....
What am I saying?
I have to start with the pre-work. Can't just start with the proposal day itself.

The day before, Saturday.
I decided that the proposal thingy was going to be a private affair.
Just the two of us.
I had to prepare a meal by myself, just for the two of us.
Staying that long in Kuala Lumpur alone had taught me how to shop for food and cook the basics.
So, I drew up a list of necessary foodstuff - tomatoes, pepper, etc.
Called a few friends and they told me to go to a market called "Slaughter".
I got the directions and drove off.
The market was true to type. A real slaughter house.
It 'stank' to high-heavens of raw meat and that's all I saw everywhere. RED RAW bloody meat.
I needed to get live chicken. (from experience, live chicken tastes better than frozen ones. I have no idea why) Eventually found them, bought two and they were killed, disembowelled, skinned and cut up into bits within 10 minutes. Trust me, this was no sight for animal rights activists. I was impressed with the speed and dexterity of the butchers. A fellow customer remarked that they kill the chicken with respect as they were living things. Just like humans.
I stifled a smile. He was going to eat them wasn't he? Carnivore.

Anyways, I succeeded in getting all the necessary food stuff, including her favourite ice cream and chocolates.
Got back home and cooked my life out.
Hmm, tasty.
Was done by like 8pm.
I knew what I had planned for tomorrow and went ahead to do the necessary writings and recordings.

Cut to the story of the ring.
I got her engagement ring specification down to the picture and size from a friend of hers and called a friend in Texas to order it and ship to me in Malaysia. This was sometime in April.
It got to Malaysia in 3 days (impressive) and spent the next one week at the Malaysian customs.
Everyday I would check the tracking number online and get the status report "Awaiting customs clearance". That was my final week in Malaysia. I was due to leave the country on a Saturday and as at Thursday it was still waiting for the freaking customs people to clear it!
Made frantic calls to no avail.
Friday evening, I checked the website and the status had changed to "Returned to sender".
Upset I was, but happy that at least there was some update on the site.
My friend, Das (who writes beautifully) and his lovely wife, F were too happy to send it again, but this time to Nigeria at their own expense. (By the way Das, your blog is overdue for an update).
I got the ring in my second week in Lagos.
Phew.

Back to Sunday morning.
Came back from church by about 1pm to my place.
Brought out my camera and started taking snap shots and videos of her. I told her I was practicing my hot-shot photographer skills and she really humoured me by giving me fantastic poses. I was really just trying to get her used to the camera before time.
I was going to prepare her lunch, I told her. "Don't come into the kitchen."
I set the pasta to a boil and put my delicious sauce in the microwave.
NEPA was not going to mess things up for me, so even though electricity was on, I asked the 'mei-guard' (gate-man) to turn on the generator.

Whipped out my camera, started filming and asked her if she saw the email I sent her last night and she replied in the negative. Told her to go online and check it.
My wireless modem, at that exact time, decided not to work.
With a smile on my face, while inwardly 'cussing' Hyperia (my internet service provider), I fiddled with the modem/router and finally got it to work.
I won't go into the exact details of the mail, but the jist of it was that, in a riddle-like format, I told her to check my wallet in my pant pocket for a note I had for her.
Now she was excited.

She grabbed my waist, dug her hands into my pocket and pulled out my wallet to find another note that contained some love words and another riddle that pointed her to another note in her own pant pocket that I had slipped in earlier. This lead her to another note that contained the love sms I sent her last year in the travelling bag she came in with.
This note pointed her to another, and the final one asked her to check under the couch cushion for a remote control - Harmony One (Guys, you need to get this remote if you don't have it already. Its fantastic and controls all my gadgets except the PS3. I mean ALL)
Next to the remote control was a note asking her to press play.

She presses play and hears my recorded voice telling her she meant the world to me and to sit down on the couch and listen to the lyrics of the song that was going to play next, Elephant Love Medley from the movie Moulin Rouge.
Halfway into the song and she begins to cry.
The song ends and another pre-recorded voice asks her for a dance to the next song, her favourite. Aerosmith's I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing.
After the song, I sit her down and pour out my heart.
Honestly, I can't remember all I said but it ended with me kneeling, bringing out the ring she had pointed out to her friend on the bluenile site a couple of months earlier and asking her if she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me.
With tears on her eyes and after a brief moment of silence....
She said yes.

I call in a friend of mine who was lurking somewhere unseen and he takes some great pictures.
She's screaming and crying and hugging.
And I'm playing the ultimate bad-ass cool guy.
My camera is still rolling, so I have it all in video too!

So, there it is.
I do not have a girlfriend anymore.
Called her 'my girlfriend' and quickly corrected myself to fiancee.
I'm learning quickly.

I have a beautiful fiancee that loves me.
I love her more.

There are a couple of words I have seen online that stymie me.
I'm not too sure if they are Nigerian english or something else.
So, anyone care to explain them for me?
It's not like I'm getting too old that I don't know these words, am I?

A friend told me that one of the first signs of age is when MTV Base starts to become dry and CNN suddenly becomes a very interesting channel. I still try to listen to MTV and keep up with trends but I have to work at it.

Sturvs (girlie lingo apparently)
Paro (or something like that)

I was tagged (honestly, who coined this word?) a long time ago and have been hoping to avoid responding. Just because its something I have to think hard about.

No joy.

I was tagged by ablackjamesbond and Jinta....aahhh which is pretty strange as they are guys (pretty much the big cahunas up in here) and most of my readers are ladies. Strangely, non of the ladies tagged me :(
This proves one more truism I have learnt in life. Correct me if I'm wrong, but do men make better life friends than women?

My six unspectacular quirks are:

1. I belch quite often after feeding. Quietly though, I must add. I never knew this until my girl started to give me funny looks when these sounds escaped my throat. These days, I just try to make it as low key as possible. But c'mon, everyone belches right? It's a more decent and odourless way of passing gas.

2. Sneezing becomes me in the mornings. This started only about a year ago. No reason whatsoever. I just sneeze a number of times. My parents have suggested exercises in the mornings. I think that's useless. What has exercising got to do with sneezes? I weigh only 78kg, so why wake up and workout? Maybe its some irritation of sorts. May have to go to a doctor for this later.

3. This one would probably give me out right away but, what the heck.
I stutter. I've been doing this all my life that I never really notice it until someone brings it to my attention or I listen to myself talk. I do shy away from public speaking, but must say that I have done quite a few public presentations especially on the job. Someone brought it to my sharp attention a little over a year ago. I had a meeting with Gamaliel Onosode and before we even began, he noticed my stutter and we talked about this for a while before we got to business. He challenged me. No one had ever talked to me about this in the manner he did. I will call him some day soon and tell him I've stopped. Soon.

4. I used to have this abnormal attraction to human beings of the opposite sex.
Yes, its a general disease with menfolk, I know. But mine can be an epidemic sometimes.
At one point in my teenage years, I remember praying to God to take away this strong lust/love-like feelings I have for women. But I thankfully remembered that would even cause more havoc than necessary. So right now, I'm just dealing with it. Successfully, I might add. Channeling it to one person only. J.

Little does he know the purpose they serve.

5. I really do not like to plan. My motto used to be "When you fail to plan, failure comes as a complete surprise" Crappy motto actually, but it worked for me. Now, my angel, J, loves to plan waaay in advance and for me thats a completely different way of life. That means that we complement ourselves though.

6. I do everything at the same time and eventually end up doing nothing. The list of things I have attempted are legion. Thankfully, they are restricted to hobbies and sometimes work.

Thats it. That's about as decent as I can get. I went to a Nigerian boarding school (FGC) and I had a teacher who used to say "One day, a very big breeze shall blow, and the fowl's anus shall be exposed". Mine shall not be exposed here. Anonymous or not.

I tag the following lovely writers:
Kemmie, Naija Idol, Today's Ranting, Interesting Websites, Sisto, In my head & around me

The Tagging rules are:
1. Link the person who tagged you.
2. Mention the rules in your blog.
3. Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours.
4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them.
5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged.

I have done all 5.

P.S. Updated this post by adding pictures that seemed to suit the quirks.