shirak!

All pictures taken with my camera phone, so pls. forgive the poor quality.
Nokia, take heed!

I got this cake delivered to my office on my birthday sometime in February.
First marriage birthday.
I wanted it low key or no-existent.
But no, J had something else in mind.
She surprised me with this and loads of small chops - samosa, hot buns, fried snails, suya meat, and drinks in my office.
'She don put me for high jump'
Her birthday comes up in a couple of months.
I need to start thinking.



Driving in Lagos stumbled me upon these 2 pictures:
This one was on 3rd Mainland bridge (longest bridge in Africa). At dusk.

Open van with Lord knows how many people on it.

This was an open house MI (Mr Incredible), mini show that J and I stumbled upon at the Silverbird Galleria a few weeks ago. I don't understand why ladies love this fella.
He good though he's just a short black guy. Any MI fans out there?

And the finale?
I was at the NEPA (PHCN - Power Corporation) office a few weeks ago to sort out the usual power problems and I stumbled on this bulletin stapled to their notice board.



Its not too clear off course, but I have transcribed below:

NATIONAL UNION OF ELECTRICITY WORKERS
PRAYER SESSION FOR ALL MEMBERS
In view of the recent developments in our sector, the National Secretariat based on pupular demand has considered various appeals for a prayer session to seek spiritual fortification in the battle against oppressive administration.
Consequently, Friday 27th March 2009 has been declared for prayers. In this prayer, we have to ask God for the following among others:

1. O God, destroy them that want to destroy us.
   
2. O God, trouble them that trouble us, scatter them that want to scatter us.


3. Father Lord, if you need to transfer, transfer, if you need to kill, kill, if you need to demote, demote for us to receive the wages of our labour.


4. O God, let your will be done in PHCN.

Members are therfore urged to give total compliance to this prayer session.

The Struggle Continues.

JOE AJAERO
General Secretary

Emphasis mine.
I leave my comments to myself.

As you may or not have noticed, I have brought back my earlier posts on Marriage Proposal and Still on Proposal after taking them down because I did not want J to see them. I got so much advice from y'all and at a point I was confused.
What didn't I think about?
The movie theatre proposal moves, proposing in Dubai, even the stadium proposal moves. Not sure what would have happened if I tried it at a local football match at the Lagos National stadium. Probably would have been flogged off the stadium.

Anyways, proposals are so over-rated :P
Yeah, I know, I can say that now.
But that's because, I DONE IT!

So, last Sunday, she came in to visit me in Port Harcourt from Lagos.
I picked her up from the airport in the morning and we went to church.
Hang on....
What am I saying?
I have to start with the pre-work. Can't just start with the proposal day itself.

The day before, Saturday.
I decided that the proposal thingy was going to be a private affair.
Just the two of us.
I had to prepare a meal by myself, just for the two of us.
Staying that long in Kuala Lumpur alone had taught me how to shop for food and cook the basics.
So, I drew up a list of necessary foodstuff - tomatoes, pepper, etc.
Called a few friends and they told me to go to a market called "Slaughter".
I got the directions and drove off.
The market was true to type. A real slaughter house.
It 'stank' to high-heavens of raw meat and that's all I saw everywhere. RED RAW bloody meat.
I needed to get live chicken. (from experience, live chicken tastes better than frozen ones. I have no idea why) Eventually found them, bought two and they were killed, disembowelled, skinned and cut up into bits within 10 minutes. Trust me, this was no sight for animal rights activists. I was impressed with the speed and dexterity of the butchers. A fellow customer remarked that they kill the chicken with respect as they were living things. Just like humans.
I stifled a smile. He was going to eat them wasn't he? Carnivore.

Anyways, I succeeded in getting all the necessary food stuff, including her favourite ice cream and chocolates.
Got back home and cooked my life out.
Hmm, tasty.
Was done by like 8pm.
I knew what I had planned for tomorrow and went ahead to do the necessary writings and recordings.

Cut to the story of the ring.
I got her engagement ring specification down to the picture and size from a friend of hers and called a friend in Texas to order it and ship to me in Malaysia. This was sometime in April.
It got to Malaysia in 3 days (impressive) and spent the next one week at the Malaysian customs.
Everyday I would check the tracking number online and get the status report "Awaiting customs clearance". That was my final week in Malaysia. I was due to leave the country on a Saturday and as at Thursday it was still waiting for the freaking customs people to clear it!
Made frantic calls to no avail.
Friday evening, I checked the website and the status had changed to "Returned to sender".
Upset I was, but happy that at least there was some update on the site.
My friend, Das (who writes beautifully) and his lovely wife, F were too happy to send it again, but this time to Nigeria at their own expense. (By the way Das, your blog is overdue for an update).
I got the ring in my second week in Lagos.
Phew.

Back to Sunday morning.
Came back from church by about 1pm to my place.
Brought out my camera and started taking snap shots and videos of her. I told her I was practicing my hot-shot photographer skills and she really humoured me by giving me fantastic poses. I was really just trying to get her used to the camera before time.
I was going to prepare her lunch, I told her. "Don't come into the kitchen."
I set the pasta to a boil and put my delicious sauce in the microwave.
NEPA was not going to mess things up for me, so even though electricity was on, I asked the 'mei-guard' (gate-man) to turn on the generator.

Whipped out my camera, started filming and asked her if she saw the email I sent her last night and she replied in the negative. Told her to go online and check it.
My wireless modem, at that exact time, decided not to work.
With a smile on my face, while inwardly 'cussing' Hyperia (my internet service provider), I fiddled with the modem/router and finally got it to work.
I won't go into the exact details of the mail, but the jist of it was that, in a riddle-like format, I told her to check my wallet in my pant pocket for a note I had for her.
Now she was excited.

She grabbed my waist, dug her hands into my pocket and pulled out my wallet to find another note that contained some love words and another riddle that pointed her to another note in her own pant pocket that I had slipped in earlier. This lead her to another note that contained the love sms I sent her last year in the travelling bag she came in with.
This note pointed her to another, and the final one asked her to check under the couch cushion for a remote control - Harmony One (Guys, you need to get this remote if you don't have it already. Its fantastic and controls all my gadgets except the PS3. I mean ALL)
Next to the remote control was a note asking her to press play.

She presses play and hears my recorded voice telling her she meant the world to me and to sit down on the couch and listen to the lyrics of the song that was going to play next, Elephant Love Medley from the movie Moulin Rouge.
Halfway into the song and she begins to cry.
The song ends and another pre-recorded voice asks her for a dance to the next song, her favourite. Aerosmith's I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing.
After the song, I sit her down and pour out my heart.
Honestly, I can't remember all I said but it ended with me kneeling, bringing out the ring she had pointed out to her friend on the bluenile site a couple of months earlier and asking her if she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me.
With tears on her eyes and after a brief moment of silence....
She said yes.

I call in a friend of mine who was lurking somewhere unseen and he takes some great pictures.
She's screaming and crying and hugging.
And I'm playing the ultimate bad-ass cool guy.
My camera is still rolling, so I have it all in video too!

So, there it is.
I do not have a girlfriend anymore.
Called her 'my girlfriend' and quickly corrected myself to fiancee.
I'm learning quickly.

I have a beautiful fiancee that loves me.
I love her more.

I have been in Lagos for exactly 10days now.
I'm BACK!
Yeah!
(P.S. That 'yeah!' is actually waaay overstated. It's actually meant to be a 'Sigh')

A very interesting 10 days, I must say.
My parents and my friends have been housing me all this while.
Will be off to my place in Port Harcourt before the weekend comes.

Somebody fix the AC in the arrivals hall at the Lagos International Airport!
What the heck.
I arrived wearing a jacket.
Ripped that off immediately. Along with my shirt, leaving only my inner t-shirt on.
Was really tempted to remove that too but re-considered. Observing that my bare chest may not elicit the kind of response Timbaland would receive had he bared he's.

No 'sorting' of the Customs people while exiting with my luggage.
Gave them a friendly smile and ignored all the friendly banter "Oga welcome" smile "How that side?" smile "Any better for your boys?" smile

There is no electricity in Nigeria!
Its worse than ever.
I have been here 10 days, there has been power for a total of about 6 hours!
All the electrical power available is self generated. Just have enough money for generator fuel.
NEPA or PHCN (Nigeria's power generating company) has officially shutdown. At least in my area.
I have cried, torn the hair off my head, wailed and finally settled and adjusted into the routine.
We Nigerians are fantastic at just accepting things as they are.
Heard of the food crises world over? And some of the riots?
Well, nothing like that in Naija.
You'd think that the prices of food has remained stable in Nigeria?
Think again..
A quick chat with my mum revealed that a 50kg sack of rice jumped from between N6,000 and N8,000 to between N12,000 and N15,000 in about 3 weeks. That's double!
Same thing with beans, yam and other foodstuff.
What do we do?
Riot and destroy thing like they do in some other countries? Make our voices heard?
Hell no.
We just shrug and continue.
Life continues.
Only the strong survive, only the wise excel.

On the flip side.....
Lagos remains the same crazy, rowdy, rich as well as poor, undiluted and fun loving town.
In 10 days, I have bumped into Pat Utomi (former presidential aspirant), Nduka Obaigbena (chairman, This Day papers) and Tony Elumelu (MD UBA Bank).
They defintely would not recognise me next time though.
Infact, Tony paid a compliment to my wifey to be.
If I felt on top of the world, imagine how she felt :)

There are new restaurants/bars popping up everywhere along with night clubs.
There are now two clearly distinct social scenes in Lagos.
The Mainland groove zone as well as the Island groove zone.
Both of which are mutually exclusive.

Traffic is still bad. I think it has rather improved in some places though.
There are well designed bus stops with turnstiles now on Ikorodu road People actually queue at these bus stops The buses have electronic signages indicating their routes. Damn, I'm impressed. I have to take a ride on them for the experience.

Crime?
I was really afraid of this one, I tell you. After all the stories I had been hearing.
Watching my rear view mirror all the time in the borrowed car I was using.
No incident though. Nor have I heard of anyone so far.
Infact, my friend's here have gone the extra mile in assuring me the town is safer.
I try to be home by midnight at the latest, though.

Police checkpoints?
'Everly.'
How can that not be in Nigeria?
I have been stopped 3 times.
Held once for over 30 minutes at one of the checkpoints after I dropped my wifey a couple night's ago because I had forgotten my driving license at home and refused to 'settle' the guy.
Eventually, he let me go after he saw I was willing to wait it out.
I obey traffic lights now, I don't weave in and out of traffic while blaring my horn anymore, I wear my seat belt all the time (infact, I think drivers wear their seatbelts more in Lagos than anywhere in the world now) and I'm generally a law abiding driver.

One more thing.
Lagos is actually beginning to look lovely.
At least in some parts. There are parks/gardens popping up everywhere. Roads being built.
The lagoon view on the freeway between CMS and Bonny Camp in Victoria Island has been cleared and they are planting palm trees and tiling a walkway along the lagoon with railing to hold and prevent you from falling into the lagoon. Incredible.
I will post some pictures soon of my some of my observations.

As some of you have insinuated, I had a joyful reunion with my wifey.... soupasexy, aijay, smaragd. Be offically warned!
What I do with her is none of your business :P 'ogini? wetin?'
Except you want to buy audio rights. Visual rights are defintely not available.
Oh, and we walk rather well, soupasexy.

About 2 weeks ago, before I returned, she regaled me with this tale of a dashing young man she just met who wants to marry her at all costs. He says she is perfect for him and tried to assure her that I was probably screwing all the chics in Malaysia. So, why wait for me?
But of cause she said she told him off and I believe her.
After recalling another tale that single ladies and guys usually have contingency plans in case boy/girlfriend doesnt work out, I quickly googled his name and found that he was a formidable opposition.
Bottomline, I got back and took her to meet my parents last weekend to do the necessary initial introductions.
Once again, women win. Why? Lord. Why?

Ok, here's the koko. (jist)

I'm a Nigerian. Born in Nigeria. Educated entirely in Nigeria. Work for a Nigerian company.
This background is necessary for my tale.
About 4 years ago, after working for roughly 3yrs, I suddenly woke up and decided to go on a vacation to Yankee (America). Not jand oh(UK or London as we call the whole country here) Yankee! I needed to see this place.
My friends tell me, ''Visa go hard with this your virgin passport oh. Try jand first, dem dey give visa pass yankee. You fit go yankee later'' (Funny, with other African countries visas on it, it was still labelled virgin as far as yankee or jand wasn't on it)
No. I wanted to go to Yankee, men :)
So, I apply, get an interview and get the visa. Easy.
Don't let me start on the embassy process. The whole thing is a Nigerian movie.

I buy the cheapest return ticket (I couldn't find someone to 'lap' me) - economy, last row, Iberia, via Madrid at the cheapest time - January end. (I asked the ticketing staff if I would get a reduced fare if I did not eat on the plane)
Time spent in Madrid waiting for a connecting flight: 13hrs.
Who cares? I dey go Yankee!

Landed in JFK. Chei! Obodo oibo. I honestly felt like kissing the tarmac as we disembarked. True oh.
(Bear in mind that all I knew about America was the thousands of hollywood movies I had seen, MTV, CNN etc, etc.)
Flew in with only a backpack, (went back with 2 mega boxes) passed through customs, no stress. Final checkpoint, Homeland Security. That name filled me with terror. ''Can I see your passport, Sir?'' I showed the bugger. ''Step this way, Sir''.(Naija passport) ''How long you here for, Sir?'' ''3 weeks'', I replied very humbly. I had heard that these guys could deport you in an instant, visa or no visa. ''This backpack all you got for 3 weeks, Sir?'' ''Yes....''(I be wan add Sir, but liver no gree me) ''Somebody picking you up?'' ''No'' I reply. My hopeless friend just sent me an email describing the way to his place in Jersey.
After strip searching my well packed bag, they let me through.
''Have a wonderful stay, Sir'' This their 'Sir' sef don dey tire me.

January end, apparently it's still winter in NY/NJ. I had no idea. Frostbite and cold nearly finished me. Naija guy like me. We (Nigerians) have this illusions of grandeur. I wonder where we get it from. Walked into a shop the next day, put on the winter clothes I needed, went to the counter and paid for them with the clothes on.

Got to Penn Station in NY from the airport, I saw a guy carelessly urinating inside the station. My word?! Maybe he's mad! Got off the PATH train in Hoboken and an elderly wowan squatted right at the entrance and was urinating!! What is going on?? Did the plane miss road? What country am I in? America? I get unto another train, and drop off at the final station. There's a huge waste dump beside it and a stench. There's a strong wind on the streets and dirt is flying all over the place. The place reminded me of .......... Mushin market!
Right now all my five senses are reeling from the assault.
I hear my name and turn to see my friend. At last, someone I know, in this jungle.
We walk to his car, he unlocks the door, there is a steering lock bar across his steering wheel. The type my old man used to use in the '80's. He unlocks this too.
We drive to his house, there is a gate with a chain and a padlock across. He unlocks it, drives through and locks it back.
In Yankee! This is looking really bad. My first day.
WTF is all this?!

One time, NEPA even took light for about 45 minutes. At night! No candle to light (like the one on my profile picture) or torch/lamp to put on. They tried sha. They only took the light only once during my 3 weeks there :)

New York has a stark semblance to Apongbon and CMS. Ok, apart from some fantastic sites (Broadway, Times Square, etc), big TV's and bright lights. It was complete with proper Nigerian-like markets (just like the ones on Broad street/Mandilas in Lagos Island) right beside the skyscrapers, beggars (''yoh, homie, can I get a dollar''), people sleeping on street corners, people hawking $1 watches and wallets on wheel barrows, mad traffic (both vehicular and pedestrian), people selling hotdogs and whatever else at street corners (in Naija, it would have been akara balls/bole/guguru & ekpa)

How come I don't see all these things on CNN or the movies?

I eventually ended up having fun. Went to fantastic places, met great and not so great people.
Spent a few days with some childhood friends in Texas.
''Tell us,'' they asked me, ''how is Naija now?''
''Oh, not bad. Same 'ole, same 'ole. Some improvements here and there, the economy is improving. Getting better, but very slowly.''
They look at me, shocked. ''We've never heard anyone say good things about Naija. All we hear is bad news''

There you go. Different folks, different strokes.

So, this is America? By my experience, yes.
Was I in the wrong place at the wrong time?
Maybe. Correct me, Americans.

Lesson learned, America is a great place. Sometimes true. Not always.

P.S.
As an aside, Hasbro is creating a new Monopoly (remember the game?) with world cities. You can vote for your cities. Deadline is 29th February. To vote for Lagos to be included, click this link: http://www.monopolyworldvote.com/en_US/world
Probably too late to make a difference. But who knows.

I love my country, I no go lie
Na inside am, I go live and die
I love my country, I no go lie
Na me and 'im go yab till I die'

Not quite sure why this came to mind now (some old folk song from way back), because I'm not sure I really feel that way now!
Believe me, I love Naija, but there are sometimes I feel like tearing my hair out at the potentials we have and how we are just crawling.....

I just made an 'investment' (I choose/decieve myself to call it that, no blame me. Forget Rich Dad, Poor Dad - the guy no be Naija guy) on a state of the art home entertainment system. I bought an Samsung LCD tv (my parents should not hear this) to replace my 25 inch Samsung CRT. Wired my LG 5.1 surround sound system. Setup my new Playstation 3, my slightly older Xbox 360, and real older Playstation 2 to the tv and amplifier. Purchased 2 PS3 games and even went as far as buying a HDMI and optical cable for the connections.
Non of these are made in Nigeria.

Took me a whole Saturday morning to get the connections right.
All this happened about 2 weeks ago.
Guess what?
I havent played the games or rocked the 1080i functionality of the TV as I write this.
Why?

NEPA!!! (Never Expect Power Always)
Or is it PHCN now? (Pls Hold Candle Now!)

There has been no power supply to power these equipment.
Jeez! Seems we have run out of water in the dam (again) and there is no gas to supply the power plants!
Light comes on by 7am - on my way to work, and goes by 6pm - on my way back from work.
The rest of the night, I'm on my own. Except of course I have the now basic household appliance of a power generator.
I don't.

Anyways,
the objective of this rant is that all the stuff mentioned above is for sale.
And for very cheap too.

Any takers?

P.S. Naija is what Nigerian's fondly call our country