shirak!

This is the 26th read in the Nigeria @ 50 series
Before this, there was Day 25 at http://www.nonyeanike.blogspot.com/ by Nonye

Ever thought that naɪˈdʒɪəriə is a proud country and a fantastic place to be from?
We can trace our history back to over 9000 years before Christ was born thanks to the Benue and Cross River people - Efik/Ibibio/Annang and more.
I sometimes wish our progenitors were not as prolific in spreading their seed across the Niger Area.
Makes me wonder if we would truly be a great country without our massive population.
What if we were as small as Ghana (23m) or Togo (6.7m)?
Would we still be considered great?
I think so
We have powerful ancient kingdoms that have been around since forever.
The Kanem-Bornu Empire that were centers of Islamic learning and culture. Ife & Oyo kingdoms from which the famed Oduduwa originated or initiated (depending on which side of the fence you sit on), the near legendary Benin kingdom with boundaries that extended to the city of Eko (a Benin name) before it was changed to Lagos by the Portuguese, the Nri-Igbo kingdom (arguably the oldest) that fought wars with the British. The Nok people and their ancient terracotta sculptures. The Akwa Akpa families that founded Calabar and plenty more.

We have an incredible array of old and great historical characters:
King Jaja of Opobo, Usman Dan Fodio, Emotan, Oba Ovonrramwen Nogbaisi, tobenna, Olaudah Equiano, Oduduwa, Idris Aloma...the list is endless

We have a remarkable history. Sometimes even embarrassing.
Niger Area was owned by a company called the Royal Niger Company (you may now call them UAC. Yes. Mr. Biggs) and they sold this entity to the British government for £865,000.
Flora Shaw, a British journalist suggested Nigeria in an article in the Times newspaper.

Because of the slave trade, you can find Nigerian languages, traditions and roots in far flung areas like Jamaica, Cuba, Haiti, Barbados, Belize, Brazil, Trinidad & Tobago and the USA.
In Belize, a town was named Eboe Town due to the large Igbo slaves. In the state of Georgia in America, there is also a place called Ebo Landing due to a sad and terrible incident that occurred there involving slaves.
One cannot imagine the amount of black people with Nigerian roots in America.
Douglas B. Chambers, an American historian estimates that 60% of black Americans have at least one Igbo ancestor. Remove the Igbo and put Nigerian and you can make your own estimations.

And the future...

After the BRIC (Brazil, India and China) countries, we are considered to be amongst the next eleven potentially largest economies. A frontier market. Forget the crap going on right now locally. At least the world believes in us. And if they do, who are we not to?

There is a buzz for change in the air...
Especially among the young people and even the old
It is clear that we cannot tolerate business as usual anymore
I dare any local, state or federal government leader to think otherwise.
The elections are coming soon.
Everyone needs to be a part of the the decision making process of this our Niger Area
One (wo)man
One vote

Tomorrow, this continues...
Day 27 in the Nigeria @ 50 series
http://www.comedoes.blogspot.com/ by Comedoes



thanks to Lilith for the picture.

when you go to church and they pray for people who are dying and need healing, people who are bereaved and need comfort, people who are broke and need a helping hand, people who are depressed and need motivating. Then they add ladies who are single and need husbands.

Is this a recent thing or has it been in churches since we were kids?
I can't remember hearing that when I was younger.
Or maybe single ladies really should be on that list?

Yes, the scan below is of my soon to come girl. All 21 weeks of it. (yes I called it it. Shoot me)
J believes it's a boy, I know it's a girl. (Why? Because I did the umm 'chooking', so I know)
We will know when the babe comes forth. Not sooner. (The argument about knowing the sex before-hand simpy to buy the proper colours - blue or pink will not be extended here)

And I'm on an extended summer break from blogging too.

I have a psychiatrist friend here in Lagos - Otefe who blogs about his experiences as a 'Dr. Kolo' in one of the most 'kolo' cities I know.
So, hop on over and show the Dr. some normal people love here.
Normal oh. He's had his fill of 'kolomentalists'

I have been in Lagos for exactly 10days now.
I'm BACK!
Yeah!
(P.S. That 'yeah!' is actually waaay overstated. It's actually meant to be a 'Sigh')

A very interesting 10 days, I must say.
My parents and my friends have been housing me all this while.
Will be off to my place in Port Harcourt before the weekend comes.

Somebody fix the AC in the arrivals hall at the Lagos International Airport!
What the heck.
I arrived wearing a jacket.
Ripped that off immediately. Along with my shirt, leaving only my inner t-shirt on.
Was really tempted to remove that too but re-considered. Observing that my bare chest may not elicit the kind of response Timbaland would receive had he bared he's.

No 'sorting' of the Customs people while exiting with my luggage.
Gave them a friendly smile and ignored all the friendly banter "Oga welcome" smile "How that side?" smile "Any better for your boys?" smile

There is no electricity in Nigeria!
Its worse than ever.
I have been here 10 days, there has been power for a total of about 6 hours!
All the electrical power available is self generated. Just have enough money for generator fuel.
NEPA or PHCN (Nigeria's power generating company) has officially shutdown. At least in my area.
I have cried, torn the hair off my head, wailed and finally settled and adjusted into the routine.
We Nigerians are fantastic at just accepting things as they are.
Heard of the food crises world over? And some of the riots?
Well, nothing like that in Naija.
You'd think that the prices of food has remained stable in Nigeria?
Think again..
A quick chat with my mum revealed that a 50kg sack of rice jumped from between N6,000 and N8,000 to between N12,000 and N15,000 in about 3 weeks. That's double!
Same thing with beans, yam and other foodstuff.
What do we do?
Riot and destroy thing like they do in some other countries? Make our voices heard?
Hell no.
We just shrug and continue.
Life continues.
Only the strong survive, only the wise excel.

On the flip side.....
Lagos remains the same crazy, rowdy, rich as well as poor, undiluted and fun loving town.
In 10 days, I have bumped into Pat Utomi (former presidential aspirant), Nduka Obaigbena (chairman, This Day papers) and Tony Elumelu (MD UBA Bank).
They defintely would not recognise me next time though.
Infact, Tony paid a compliment to my wifey to be.
If I felt on top of the world, imagine how she felt :)

There are new restaurants/bars popping up everywhere along with night clubs.
There are now two clearly distinct social scenes in Lagos.
The Mainland groove zone as well as the Island groove zone.
Both of which are mutually exclusive.

Traffic is still bad. I think it has rather improved in some places though.
There are well designed bus stops with turnstiles now on Ikorodu road People actually queue at these bus stops The buses have electronic signages indicating their routes. Damn, I'm impressed. I have to take a ride on them for the experience.

Crime?
I was really afraid of this one, I tell you. After all the stories I had been hearing.
Watching my rear view mirror all the time in the borrowed car I was using.
No incident though. Nor have I heard of anyone so far.
Infact, my friend's here have gone the extra mile in assuring me the town is safer.
I try to be home by midnight at the latest, though.

Police checkpoints?
'Everly.'
How can that not be in Nigeria?
I have been stopped 3 times.
Held once for over 30 minutes at one of the checkpoints after I dropped my wifey a couple night's ago because I had forgotten my driving license at home and refused to 'settle' the guy.
Eventually, he let me go after he saw I was willing to wait it out.
I obey traffic lights now, I don't weave in and out of traffic while blaring my horn anymore, I wear my seat belt all the time (infact, I think drivers wear their seatbelts more in Lagos than anywhere in the world now) and I'm generally a law abiding driver.

One more thing.
Lagos is actually beginning to look lovely.
At least in some parts. There are parks/gardens popping up everywhere. Roads being built.
The lagoon view on the freeway between CMS and Bonny Camp in Victoria Island has been cleared and they are planting palm trees and tiling a walkway along the lagoon with railing to hold and prevent you from falling into the lagoon. Incredible.
I will post some pictures soon of my some of my observations.

As some of you have insinuated, I had a joyful reunion with my wifey.... soupasexy, aijay, smaragd. Be offically warned!
What I do with her is none of your business :P 'ogini? wetin?'
Except you want to buy audio rights. Visual rights are defintely not available.
Oh, and we walk rather well, soupasexy.

About 2 weeks ago, before I returned, she regaled me with this tale of a dashing young man she just met who wants to marry her at all costs. He says she is perfect for him and tried to assure her that I was probably screwing all the chics in Malaysia. So, why wait for me?
But of cause she said she told him off and I believe her.
After recalling another tale that single ladies and guys usually have contingency plans in case boy/girlfriend doesnt work out, I quickly googled his name and found that he was a formidable opposition.
Bottomline, I got back and took her to meet my parents last weekend to do the necessary initial introductions.
Once again, women win. Why? Lord. Why?

I decided about 2 weeks ago that I needed to find out what night life in Kuala Lumpur was like. I'm not a club person, but what the heck, I might as well check it out.

Here I was, a total stranger in this town. No friends, no nothing. Apart from my colleagues at work. That meant I had no idea of what the town at night was like.

At about 8pm the following Saturday, I go online. Googled 'nightlife+kuala lumpur' and got tons of results. Hmm, good start.

After about 2 hours of sifting through websites, I settle on the 2 most popular choices - Beach Club and Hard Rock Cafe (that name sounds familiar). These were supposed to be the two ''happengiest :)'' joints in night time KL. Also found out that their clubs close by 3am. Very strange.

Anyways, I add the two addresses to my phone, look at the clock - 10pm and decide its time to hit the mean streets of KL.

I wave a cab, tell him Beach club, expecting to reel out the address of the place to the guy, but he says ''Ok, come in'' Hmm, seems the place is popular. ''Use the meter, la'' I tell him.

The place is impossible to miss. Bright neon lights on the streets, music blasting, people everywhere, I'm there. Apparently, its a street of joints.

Nice place though. Half the joint is indoors, half is outdoors. They have two sharks in a big aquarium inside. I stroll in and I'm stopped by a bouncer? He directs me to a sexy looking babe who points me to a displayed price list. Before I enter, I must pay for a drink at thrice the normal price - RM45. (I always do a mental conversion to $ & N just for comparative analysis) I pay up, get ink stamped on my palm, grab my drink and enter. Live band playing, when I say live band, I do not mean a Naija live band oh. A proper band playing rock songs that sound a lot like the originals.

The place is filled up. All sorts. guys, babes, chinco's, indians, whites, black? Wait oh, no blacks. I'm the only black person up in here! Funnily, thats the first time I realise that I have seen very few black people here since I arrived. (That's a topic for another post) I suspect the place is an expatriate hangout though.

I find a free seat and begin bumping my head to rock music! Hoping no Naija person catches me here. (Imagine going to a club and dancing to ROCK music in Naija) They also have a huge screen currently showing an english premiership game which some apparent brits were watching.

No shortage of babes here oh.

Permit me to digress and describe Malaysia and its women.
The country has 3 main groups/tribes/whatever - Malays 60%, Chinese 30% and Indians 10%, using rough estimates.

Chinese babes are the grooviest, but physically, not much - tiny ''nkiru'' and non existent ''azuka''! They love to wear short things.

Indian babes are boottyful and really hot. They dress sexy too.

Malay babes are cool too, but they are all moslems. They are not allowed to go to clubs. Typical dressing comprises of a head scarf (compulsory), blouse/t-shirt and a pair of pants (jeans).

I hit the dance floor and the chics are everywhere solo. Infact, all over. Some climb the tables dancing. A few smile at me, one approaches me for a dance, I oblige. Imagine dancing to rock. Any body part movement is accepted. As far as you are moving it aggressively

I begin to get suspicious. Are they prostitutes? I come out for fresh air and sure enough, there were a few of them soliciting by the road. WTF! Did I come to the wrong place or what?

I stop a cab and tell him to take me home. On our way, he asks me ''My frien. You want woman la?'' I say ''What?'', refusing to believe what I just heard. ''I say, you want fine fine woman? I give you real woman. Not man who look woman la.'' Shaking my head, I mutter to myself, ''this town is crazy''. I've just been offered a woman for the night at in the same sentence been told that some women here are really men!

I'm curious now. ''I no unnerstan. What you mean?'' I ask. ''I take you to real woman. You choose. Difren type. This one here, men la. Preten to be woman. They do surgery to change.'' ''But they look like women!'' I exclaim. Jesus! I've been dancing with men!

''Take me home, pls!'' ''LA!''

Since then, I look at ALL women here suspiciously. Are they really women? Are those bobbies real? What do they really have down there?

But, I had fun. Told one of my colleagues at work the next week that I was at the Beach Club and he goes ''Why! It's a prostitute place and most of them are Pinoy. (Philipinos - Another formidable force in the KL night scene) People just go there for pickups''.

''Whatever.'' I say.

That got me thinking, I suddenly realise why almost all the expats that come to work/visit Lagos ask to be taken to 'ynot'. That place is the most popular joint in Lagos for expats. But non of the locals go there. I've never been there. Don't ask me why. But I think it has to do with the number of ''ashis'' there. http://www.ynotclub.com/

Lesson learned. Don't rely on google for everything. Sometimes, it pays to ask around.

7 frigging hours ahead of Naija!
How am I going to cope?

My first 3 nights here and my eye just dey do shine shine bobo.
Heck, I was wide awake. Sleep no wan gree come.
Even had dinner by 3am on the second night!

My body has refused to adjust to the time lag or time fast forward. As the case may be.
Hopefully it will soon.

Had my first proper Malay meal today - Nasi Lemak. Actually, I think its Chinese.
Contents:
Rice + cassava chips + chilli sauce + plenty tiny dried fish + chicken + roasted groundnuts + cucumbers.
All in one plate. Or should I say, paper :)

What I've been eating all this while? A combination of Mcdonalds (yes, they have 'em here) & KFC's. Against my doctor's orders.

I went for a medical checkup a coupla weeks ago and the dotor says:
''Young man, do you excercise?''
Me: ''No way Sir. I'm a virile young man, my production level is high, no fat except the slight belly''
Doki: ''Well, you have a high cholesterol level''
Me: ''Doki, no vex oh, but what the heck is cholesterol and how that one take affect my life?''

And the man goes on to explain that it could lead to heart attacks and strokes.
That sat me up, quickly.

So, I'm off red meat, anything fried, chicken skin, egg yolk, bla, bla, blah.
I'm in deep shit.
How I'll survive on fish alone, (not even fried!) only God knows.
Sushi somebody? Anybody?

Moral of the story?

Get yourself a total check up once a year.
You never know.

I love my country, I no go lie
Na inside am, I go live and die
I love my country, I no go lie
Na me and 'im go yab till I die'

Not quite sure why this came to mind now (some old folk song from way back), because I'm not sure I really feel that way now!
Believe me, I love Naija, but there are sometimes I feel like tearing my hair out at the potentials we have and how we are just crawling.....

I just made an 'investment' (I choose/decieve myself to call it that, no blame me. Forget Rich Dad, Poor Dad - the guy no be Naija guy) on a state of the art home entertainment system. I bought an Samsung LCD tv (my parents should not hear this) to replace my 25 inch Samsung CRT. Wired my LG 5.1 surround sound system. Setup my new Playstation 3, my slightly older Xbox 360, and real older Playstation 2 to the tv and amplifier. Purchased 2 PS3 games and even went as far as buying a HDMI and optical cable for the connections.
Non of these are made in Nigeria.

Took me a whole Saturday morning to get the connections right.
All this happened about 2 weeks ago.
Guess what?
I havent played the games or rocked the 1080i functionality of the TV as I write this.
Why?

NEPA!!! (Never Expect Power Always)
Or is it PHCN now? (Pls Hold Candle Now!)

There has been no power supply to power these equipment.
Jeez! Seems we have run out of water in the dam (again) and there is no gas to supply the power plants!
Light comes on by 7am - on my way to work, and goes by 6pm - on my way back from work.
The rest of the night, I'm on my own. Except of course I have the now basic household appliance of a power generator.
I don't.

Anyways,
the objective of this rant is that all the stuff mentioned above is for sale.
And for very cheap too.

Any takers?

P.S. Naija is what Nigerian's fondly call our country

Yes!
Back home.
Really missed Naija.
Almost kissed the tarmac.
Came back all clothed in 4 shirts. Had to rip all but the inner shirt off as soon as I got off the airplane. Twas really hot.

Picture attached is an aerial view of Apongbon. A popular bus stop on Lagos Island.
Thinking of becoming a camera journalist of some sort. So you will be seing some more pictures on this blog. I think I should focus on Nigerian scenes and people?

Stay tuned.

(Seems like I'm talking to an audience abi? The audience is me! unfortunately, I suffer from a dual personality ailment) One good person (with a halo on my head) and one, not particularly bad, but with certain weaknesses - carrying a trident. No, without horns.

But, like they say, the saint always wins...... I hope.